Friday, July 5, 2013

#PitchMAS Pitch-Honing WORKSHOP

Because of the sheer volume of comments on the pitch-honing workshop, you'll have to click "'load more'' at the bottom of the page a few times to see all of the comments.

Comment below with your pitches (both 35 word blog pitches and 140 character Twitter pitches, or just one--whichever you feel you need help with). Your peers will comment and help you hone your pitches into something that will grab the attention of our esteemed editors and agents during the live pitch fest.

Please, please, please read each other's comments and share your thoughts and pointers. That's what today is all about! 

An example of a comment during the pitch-honing workshop could look something like this:

Jessa Russo
EVER, YA Paranormal Romance

35 word blog pitch:
Seventeen-year-old Ever Van Ruysdael knew her heart was on the line when she met Toby James. What she didn’t know was that her soul and the souls of those she loved were also in danger.

Twitter pitch:
17yo Ever knew her heart was on the line when she met Toby James. What she didn’t know was that her soul was in danger as well. #PitchMAS

Once your comment has posted, people can respond telling you what would work better for your pitch,  what they like, dislike, etc, and we can all help each other with honing our pitches and making them contest ready.

602 comments:

  1. Michelle Hauck
    Dodge the Sun, YA dystopian

    35 word pitch:

    Sunlight kills. Civilization’s gone. Oh, and a lonely mage conjured her from a pet rabbit. With all 17 year old Lit Bit has to handle, the last thing she needs is falling in love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Michelle, I'm not really getting a sense of what your story is with these 35 words. Where is the conflict? What does Lit Bit have to "handle"?

      I think you can do more with this. I suggest taking it back to revision cave.

      Delete
    2. Hi Michelle,

      I was really confused reading this line: Oh, and a lonely mage conjured her from a pet rabbit.

      I think it might work better to explain what exactly Lit Bit has to handle ... how does what's happened affect her, specifically? I also found myself wanting to know who she's falling in love with, and why it matters.

      Good luck in the contest!

      Delete
    3. Hi Michelle! I like the rhythm of this, but it left me a bit confused-- I wasn't seeing how all the parts related.

      Best of luck revising/in the contest!

      Delete
    4. Sounds interesting, but with the conjuring line coming before you introduce Lit Bit, it wasn't clear who "her" was at first.

      Delete
  2. Katie Teller
    DECEPTIVE CADENCE, NA Contemporary Romance

    35 word blog pitch:
    When Cadence’s husband and daughter are killed, her guardian angel offers her the chance to save them—by becoming fourteen again and reliving her life. It all goes well until bad-boy James threatens everything.

    Twitter pitch:
    NA. Cadence chooses to relive her life from 14 to save her family from death, but a bad boy from the past threatens to change it all #pitchmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In your 35 word pitch I like the setup. If you can squeeze in more detail about have James threatens everything I think that would strengthen the pitch.

      I like your twitter pitch it has just the right amount of mystery.

      Also 14 seems really young for a NA. But with the time travel and starting out married it's a tricky categorization. It sounds like it might be a YA though.

      Delete
    2. I was thinking the same thing as Jamie ... 14 is YA, not NA, if your character is that age for the bulk of the book. Just my opinion. I do think this sounds like an interesting book! James sounds like he's going to inject some steamy conflict.

      Good luck in the contest!

      Delete
    3. Katie, your 35-word pitch is a bit vague, and I think it can be stronger. Maybe tighten up the beginning ("When Cadence's family is killed, she has the change to save them by reliving her life, starting at 14.") so you can expand how/why James threatens everything.

      The same goes for the Twitter pitch. I'd like to see this pitch make me sit up and go, "OMG, I MUST read that NOW."

      I suggest going back to the revision cave for another pass. I'd love to see the revised version.

      Delete
    4. Maybe say "When Cadence's family is killed" to save a couple words you can use to elaborate on *how* James is threatening things.

      Delete
    5. I like NeverWordless's suggested word-tightening, since it looks like it'd cut even more words than my suggestion would.

      Delete
    6. I disagree a bit with those above, depending on what the circumstances are-- if your MC is mentally an adult throughout the novel, I could see NA, but if she goes back mentally to 14 also, then I'd agree it's YA.

      Other than that, I think you set up conflict/stakes well and it's pretty solid.

      Delete
    7. I like this, but wonder if you can't elaborate about the bad boy. Is he an old flame? The one who got away and now she can make different choices? Might add another little hook to what you have already.

      Delete
    8. I think mention of the age is throwing people off. I'm guessing she goes back to 14, but James appears later and much of the story happens at an older age. Otherwise why the NA? Maybe just go with reliving her life.

      Delete
    9. I like the premise. I wish I could go back. LOL Only thing I wasn't sure of is the bad boy someone new she meets at 14 or is it someone from here 14 yo past?

      Delete
  3. Michelle Hauck
    Pygmy Hazards, MG fantasy

    35 word pitch:

    Classroom hamster Tom must escape before the pygmies dress him as Strawberry Shortcake again. But the principal wants him flushed. To reach the woods, he’ll have to risk help from a pygmy called Squeezer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this! I don't think I'd change anything.

      Delete
    2. Why would a school principal want a hamster flushed down the toilet when there are less lethal and less elaborate ways of removing him from the classroom?

      That's something to think about at least.

      Delete
    3. Michelle, I agree with Matt's comment above. "Flushed" may not be the right word to use (wouldn't a hamster clog the toilet?).

      I'm also not sure "risk help" is the right thing to say. Maybe "accept help" or something similar?

      Otherwise, I love it. I know who the MC is, what he's up against, and what he needs to do.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    4. This is a great pitch. I actually can't think of a single way to change it.

      Delete
    5. Michelle, this sounds like such fun! Wondering if you could use your 35th word (since you have 34) in the last sentence... to further clarify why it's risky to get help from Squeezer. Maybe say "aptly" or "unfortunately" called Squeezer. Or risk help from a "dangerous" pygmy or an "overly-enthusiatic" pygmy. Also, would "nicknamed" be better than "called"...?

      Delete
    6. I laughed. It's great. I wouldn't change a hair on its chinny chin chin.

      Delete
    7. I love this pitch (like I said on AQC), it has such great voice and fun. The only word I can nitpick on is 'flushed' but even that... it's an awesome pitch!

      Delete
    8. I like the premise. 35 words are tough to convey everything but would like to know why Squeezer is a risk.

      Delete
  4. K. Callard
    SHADOWCATCHERS, Upper MG Fantasy

    35 word pitch:

    14-year-old Zane earns a fortune catching shadows. But when he discovers he's actually stealing souls, he must choose between the job that keeps him in luxury or quitting and becoming a target himself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, this concept really grabbed me! Good job! The second sentence runs on a bit, maybe stick in some punctuation. But LOVE IT!

      Delete
    2. Per Jenzie's comment, maybe if you replaced "But when he discovers" with "upon discovering"? That'd save a couple words.

      Delete
    3. I like the premise, but I think you can tighten the pitch a bit and get a bit more detail in. Specifically the first sentence and a half ending with "stealing souls"

      also I think you can just say or becoming a target himself without saying the quitting part.

      Delete
    4. I agree. This is a really interesting concept. I think you should end the second sentence at quitting. If you have a separate sentence for how he would become the target it would have much more impact.

      Delete
    5. I don't actually have anything to crit here-- but I wanted to say that this sounds like a book I'd want to read!

      Delete
    6. When do I get to read the whole book?

      Delete
    7. I love this concept! I agree with Jamie's comment above; you can still tighten it.

      I'm not sure how I feel about the "becoming a target" part, though, only because it sounds cliche.

      Otherwise, great job. I know who the MC is, what he's up against, and the decision he has to make.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    8. No crit, but the book sounds interesting.

      Delete
    9. I think this sums up the stakes nicely. And it has an interesting concept.

      Delete
    10. I liked this too. Haven't much to add that hasn't been said above, but it is a book I'd enjoy reading.

      Delete
    11. I think this was a great pitch. I wouldn't change anything!

      Delete
    12. You've already gotten great feeback, nothing to add. I'd read this book!

      Delete
  5. Linda Brendle
    A LONG AND WINDING ROAD: A Caregiver’s Tale of Life, Love, and Chaos, Narrative Non-Fiction/Memoir

    35 word blog pitch:
    What do you get when you cram a recovering co-dependent, an incontinent queen-mother with Alzheimer’s, and a couch-potato Dad with dementia into a 40-foot motor home driven by a spontaneous, nomadic husband? Chaos!

    Twitter pitch:
    Recovering codependent, nomadic husband, incontinent queen-mom w/Alz, lazy dad w/dementia, 7 wks in an RV. Chaos reigns. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I found your 35 word pitch a bit confusing - I think it's the word "husband." Whose husband? The co-dependent? The queen-mother? And whose Dad is it? I think if you replaced "husband" with another descriptor it would be stronger.

      I'm not sure I would have understood your Twitter pitch if I hadn't just read the 35 word pitch, there's just so much in there. Maybe you could pare down a description or two?

      Hope this helps. Good luck.

      Delete
    2. Is there a challenge that they all have to face forcing them to work together or something? If you added a piece of conflict it might make it a stronger pitch.

      Delete
    3. I've been trained to avoid rhetorical questions in pitches and queries, so I'd advise the same for you. I just want to know who, what, why. I'm not sure who is the MC. It's a bit of character soup going on.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    4. Linda, I'm sure there's a great story here, but I'm not getting a sense of it from either the 35-word or Twitter pitches. I know who your characters are. That's it. What is the conflict? What are their goals? Is there a final destination they must reach? I have to read between the lines a bit much, and I think it can be stronger.

      I suggest going back to the revision cave for another pass.

      Delete
    5. I don't get a sense of the mc here. It lacks focus on the MC. Though I do get a sense of chaos.

      Delete
    6. I like the premise of the book, think it would be funny, but think both pitches are too much like a list. Mostly I want to know why they are all in an RV together. But sounds like chaos, agreed. Are they all in the same family (this is to the husband reference)? Is one a granny, one a son? Perhaps you could take out the list and give the reason why they are in the RV, so bring a little of the plot.
      You could also cut out the 40-foot and just have RV, thinking of word count here.

      Delete
    7. Linda, I think the above advice is great. I think the plot is there, but it gets slightly confusing. Someone gave me great advice, start with the MC and his/her conflict and then go forward. I think that might help really polish up the above.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for hosting this contest AND a workshop!

    Jen Baggiero
    APPARENT, YA fantasy

    Blog pitch:
    A powerless 16 year-old barmaid grapples with kings and Elementals when her assassin father is jailed for hoarding secrets that could accelerate an impending war.

    Twitter pitch:
    Powerless 16y/o barmaid grapples with kings & Elementals when assassin dad's jailed for hoarding secrets that could bring war. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I like the word "powerless" right off the bat in these. She needs something flattering about herself to handle all this stuff going on! I'd probably drop it altogether and just start with 16-year-old... But in lieu of that, try a different word.

      The Twitter one confused me with "when assassin dad's", I think it needs "her" in there to follow.

      Keep up the good work!

      Delete
    2. Does "powerless" refer lacking superpowers in a world where at least some people have them? Given the references to "elementals" that is a meaning one can draw. If that's your intent, maybe use "mundane"?

      Alternatively, if it's just because she's a woman and a teen in a non-democratic world, "powerless" works.

      Delete
    3. You've got 11 more words you can use for the blog pitch. Can you give us a little more info about the barmaid? What's she like? How does she feel about her assassin father, maybe?

      Delete
    4. I like the pitch all except for the powerless part. I feel like editors are always looking for a strong character. While it make sense, maybe if you talk about how she has to find strength for the challenge instead.

      Delete
    5. Jen, you've got an interesting concept and I agree with the above comments. Do you need to say she's powerless? I mean, up against Kings and Elementals, we all are. If it's a necessary descriptor, you've got some room to expand that a bit.

      Once you revise the 35-word pitch, you can hone your Twitter pitch to match. (For example, is it critical to call out the dad's job as an assassin?)

      Otherwise, nicely done. I know who your MC is, I know what she's up against, and I get a sense of what the stakes are.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    6. I don't get a sense of what the barmaid wants. What are the stakes and what does she have to do to get it. This is all setup.

      When her assassin father hoards secrets that could accelerate a war, 16 yo barmaid must ...

      Delete
    7. I agree with above re the word 'powerless'. I realise you're trying to illustrate that she has no powers, but powerless makes her sound weak and limited rather than what i think you intended.
      The rest of the pitch I think is good. It gives the plot succinctly and the stakes.

      Delete
  7. Jamie Krakover
    The Adviera Abductions, Upper MG Science Fiction

    I'm toying with a bunch of different options for my 35 word pitch. Not sure which I like best but they are all sort of variations on each other.

    35 word pitch(es)
    1.)When aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary, he gains telekinesis but the aliens force him to serve their war plans. Gary must master his ability, before the aliens send him on a mission he can’t survive.

    2.)After an alien abduction, thirteen-year-old Gary gains telekinesis. Too bad his gift means serving the alien’s secret plans for war. If he refuses the fate of the aliens and humanity could be at risk.

    3.)When aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary, he gains telekinesis. But even superpowers come with a price. Alongside other superpowered kids, Gary must serve the aliens secret war plans. Mastering his ability means he may survive training.

    4.)When aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary, he gains telekinesis. But superpowers have a price. Alongside other superpowered kids, Gary must master his ability to survive. The aliens however, need the kids for their secret war plans.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like #2, although from a grammar-zealot POV, I'd put a comma after "refuses." :)

      Re: #4, you don't describe the price the way you do in #3, at least not right away.

      Delete
    2. I agree with Matt. I think #2 is the strongest, and has the most voice, but it needs a comma after "refuses."

      Delete
    3. I feel the opening isn't sufficiently arresting, though the second sentence of 3 and 4 is much better. Why not start with 'Superpowers have a price' and talk about him discovering the fact when telekinesis comes to him following his abduction by aliens?

      Delete
    4. I agree with Matt and K—I think your second pitch is the strongest. It has the most voice, and it's short but it gets your main points across. And I agree that a comma after "refuses" is necessary. The only thing I would consider changing is maybe the "fate of aliens and humanity COULD BE at risk." I feel like you could easily up the stakes by giving us more detail about a) the certainly of the risk (because I'm assuming they ARE at risk) and/or b) what exactly will happen to humanity/the alien race.

      Hope this helps. Good luck!

      Delete
    5. Thanks all for the great feedback. Sounds like I should go with #2 so I revised it a bit to:

      After an alien abduction, thirteen-year-old Gary gains telekinesis. Too bad his gift means serving the aliens' secret plans for war. If he refuses, Gary not only risks the fate of the aliens but also humanity.

      Delete
    6. Jamie, I like your revised #2 a lot, but I wish there was room to mention "the mission he may not survive" or explain why the aliens and humanity are at risk.

      You could tighten it more by making the second sentence start with "But this" instead of "Too bad his gift." You can also change "secret plans for war" to "secret war plans." The last sentence could read "Refusing to help means risking the fate of both aliens and humanity." That would free up some words.

      Otherwise, I like it. I know who the MC is, I know what he's up against, and I get a sense of what's at stake.

      Delete
    7. Jamie, I'm not sure about the re-write. I found "risks the fate of the aliens but also humanity" to be more confusing than the original wording.

      Delete
    8. I also like number 2. But the last sentence is weakened by 'could.'

      2.)After an alien abduction, thirteen-year-old Gary gains telekinesis. Too bad his gift means serving the alien’s secret plans for war. Refusal to cooperate means bye-bye Gary and dooming humanity.

      Delete
    9. I agree with Matt and K. Callard. #2 is the strongest.

      Delete
    10. Yup. Like #2 as well. Has more voice than the others. Only thing I would change is: 'If he refuses the fate of the aliens and humanity could be at risk' to 'xxx humanity are at risk'. Makes it more immediate.

      Delete
    11. thanks again for the additional feedback. I've twisted this around a little bit, but I think I may have lost some voice now....

      After an alien abduction, thirteen-year-old Gary gains telekinesis. Unfortunately, his gift means completing dangerous missions that secretly train him for the upcoming alien war. Refusal to cooperate dooms the fate of the aliens and humanity.

      Delete
    12. "Gains" telekinesis? Something about that isn't flowing right. Your second version is the strongest but I'm kind of confused: are aliens the enemy? If so, why does he care about their fate?

      Is your novel dour? If not, maybe you could make it a bit less dry. Something like:

      Abducted by aliens, Gary is given the power of telekinesis. But the aliens plan to use Gary's gift like a weapon when they secretly attack Earth. Too bad they don't know Gary. . .

      Delete
  8. Melissa Gorzelanczyk
    ARROWS, YA contemporary myth retelling

    35 word pitch:
    The Cupid and Psyche myth is retold in dual narration as Aaryn, a wayward cupid, falls in love with Karma, a ballet prodigy – the spellbound girl who can never love him in return.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My biggest thing here is I'd like to see more words spent on Aaryn and Karma with less emphasis on the mechanics. I think you can tighten or lose the "The Cupid and Psyche myth is retold in dual narration" bit.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    2. I think this is effective. I've seen agents interested in myth retellings, so putting that out front and center is great. The only question I have is--who is Aaryn? Is he a human incarnation of cupid? I've gathered that Karma is a human girl.

      Delete
    3. Personally I'd flip it around so you're talking about the characters first, the author last. Also agree with above that myth retellings are hot and worth pointing out, but it sounds like you're a reporter talking about your work instead of pulling us into the work itself. The -- dash threw me out of it for a second, too.

      With a simple flipping and punctuation changes, it becomes this:

      Wayward cupid Aaryn falls in love with ballet prodigy Karma, a spellbound girl who can never love him in return, in this retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth.

      Delete
    4. REVISED:

      Wayward cupid Aaryn is banished to earth as a human to fix Karma’s life, a ballet prodigy whose destiny was derailed by his arrow. The gods never expected him to fall in love …

      Delete
    5. Melissa, I love your revised pitch.

      I'd love to see your Twitter pitch, too.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    6. I like the revised pitch except for the second sentence. Didn't Aaryn get banished because he was in love with her? Is that not why he shot her with his arrow? Just a little bit confused. Maybe talk about what Aaryn faces because she can't love him.

      Delete
    7. My best guess is that agents might prefer the first pitch. Retellings are hot now. Maybe instead of 'never love him in return' you can fit in how she's his case.

      Never fall in love with your work!

      Delete
    8. Like the revision, but wonder if you can't sneak in the mention of the Pysche/Cupid myth retelling. Have noticed agents putting this on their wishlists. So if it's stated in the pitch then they might show more interest than just with the cupid mention.

      Delete
    9. I'm a fan of the new pitch!

      Delete
    10. Thank you all! Another revision:

      In this Cupid and Psyche adaptation, wayward cupid Aaryn is stripped of his power and banished to earth until he can fix ballet prodigy and teen mom Karma's life, originally derailed by his arrow.

      Delete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  10. Jen Nikitin
    LUCAS AND THE BUTTPIRATES, MG Urban Fantasy Adventure

    35 word blog pitch:
    Ten-year-old Lucas thinks his dad’s full of poop when he warns of bathroom abductions by pirates. Turns out he’s right, and Lucas gets flushed down the toilet to become a sewer-sailing Buttpirate.

    Twitter pitch:
    Ten-year-old Lucas ignores his plumber dad’s threats and gets flushed down the toilet to become a sewer-sailing pirate. #MGlit #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Considering that "butt pirate" is a slangy and not particularly flattering term for homosexuals, that terminology could get you into some trouble. Of course, you really can't change that without radically changing your story.

      Unless, of course, that's part of the joke...

      Delete
    2. The title isn't a joke about homosexuals at all, it's a poop joke, of which you'll find many in my story. Changing the title/term is very possible without changing the story (call them Sewer-Pirates or Sewer-Sailors or something similar), but (surprisingly) you've been the first to point it out as an issue for this reason. Thanks for your thoughts.

      Delete
    3. I agree with Matt on this. You're going to need to get across the, uh, joke? I'm pretty sure the title alone is going to offend some people. I find myself perplexed.

      Delete
    4. That being said, "butt pirates" is certainly an attention-grabber, although it might lead to more conservative parents not letting their kids read it (due to the crudeness or the homosexual connotations).

      Delete
    5. I liked the pitch up until "Buttpirate." Re-word and I think you're good to go.

      For your Twitter pitch - if you could change "threats" to "warnings" (do you have space?) I think it would be better.

      Good luck.

      Delete
    6. Attention all agents and editors! I am willing to change the title! ;)

      I've been thinking all along, I'll keep it as a silly attention grabber until an agent or editor tells me otherwise. Is it too difficult to look past the name?

      Thanks for the input, I made the change from threats to warnings like you suggested, good thought K.

      Delete
    7. Taking into consideration your critiques (thank you!), I changed the title and terminology for the pitch:

      Jen Nikitin
      FLUSHED, MG Urban Fantasy Adventure

      35 word blog pitch:
      Ten-year-old Lucas thinks his dad’s full of poop when he warns of bathroom abductions by pirates. Turns out he’s right, and Lucas gets flushed down the toilet to become a sewer-sailing swashbuckler.

      Twitter pitch:
      Ten-year-old Lucas ignores his plumber dad’s warnings and gets flushed down the toilet to become a sewer-sailing pirate. #MGlit #PitchMAS

      Delete
    8. I love the revised 35-word pitch. Well done!

      Your Twitter pitch can be shortened to let you add something, if you want:

      "10yo" instead of "Ten-year-old", "&" instead of "and."

      But I think these are really strong. Best of luck!

      Delete
    9. Ooooh, I love the re-writes. I think the pitch is full of voice and will totally grab any kid's attention!

      Delete
    10. I love this! And I loved the old title. Didn't even think of another meaning. This would so appeal to my toilet humour. There isn't a thing I'd change. Good luck!

      Delete
  11. Liz Stoever
    Ruby City, Paranormal romance

    35 word pitch:
    Anne joins a secret society to save its long lost ability to see into the future. But when she falls for exiled leader Gabriel, she finds herself the catalyst to a civil war.

    Twitter pitch:
    Anne joins a secret society to save its long lost gift of foresight. But when she falls for exiled leader Gabriel, she starts a civil war.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's lot of juicy stuff in here. I like it. However, I am not clear on the stakes. The last bit, "she finds herself the catalyst to the civil war," could be the beginning of the story or the end. Is the story about her trying to not start a civil war? Or is the story about her having started it and then maybe trying to stop it?

      Delete
    2. I'm just not understanding what all this means. The connections between your sentences are missing. Why is seeing into the future important to Anne? I feel that may be key here.

      Delete
    3. I agree with Michelle, I have some of the same questions. also i think you can tighten this a bit and free up some words for more detail for instance

      change "she finds herself the catalyst to a civil war" to "she becomes the catalyst for civil war" this tightens it a bit and makes the statement a bit stronger.

      Delete
    4. Revised:

      Anne joins a secret society to save its long lost ability of foresight. But when she falls for an exiled leader and starts a civil war, she must choose between love and saving lives.

      Delete
    5. This sounds intriguing. Maybe use "...foresee the future." to save a couple of words that could be used elsewhere. You could cut the word "but" at the beginning of the second sentence to save another word.

      Delete
  12. Heather Raglin
    CROSSING THE DIVIDE, YA Fantasy

    35 word blog pitch:
    When Becca discovers a magical coven in town, she goes on a journey to discover the truth about her past. To survive the summer she must trust new friends and overcome her preference for solitude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I found myself wanting more details for this pitch. What kind of truth? Goes on a journey seems vague ... can you tell us more about what Becca is doing in the book? Is her life at risk? Be more specific about her new friends. I think there may be a better way to tell us that she prefers solitude, if it is necessary for us to know that. How does her preference affect the story?

      Good luck in the contest!

      Delete
    2. You've given us a clear picture of who Becca is, but I don't know the stakes. "To survive the summer" sounds metaphoric, so be clear: Will she die if she... doesn't do what?

      Delete
    3. Heather, I agree with Melissa and Samantha's comments above. What's at stake? What are the possible consequences?

      I know who you MC is and what she needs to do. What I don't know is why.

      I suggest going back to the revision cave for another pass. I'd like to see a tighter but more descriptive pitch.

      Delete
    4. I agree with the above comments, is there a way to show us a bit more about what's at stake?

      Delete
    5. 'To survive the summer' doesn't really give us a clue. How and why is she threatened? How does the coven impact her? I feel you are trying to keep things back to save the mystery, but it just makes everything too generic.

      Delete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The second gives a clear sense of stakes; however, both are short for a 35 word pitch. You should try to use every word to give more information and entice us to read. Who is Mara? Why do we want to read about her?

      Delete
    2. Sorry I deleted that post, guys! Posted under the wrong account, but thank you for the input! :)

      Delete
    3. I think #2 is stronger, but you could still tweak it. You have words to spare, so you could keep the wording from #1 ("Mara the Fatty", Mara the Clumsy, Mara the Clever" and then "Mara the Dead"). If you keep it as-is, I'd probably change "Fatty Mara" to "Fat Mara." You could also replace "she" with "x-year-old Mara Lastname" for more specificity. Good luck.

      Delete
  14. Samantha Sabovitch
    FALLEN REDEMPTION, Adult Urban Fantasy with romantic elements

    35 word pitch:
    Guardian angel Enael can't protect the humans she's assigned until fellow Guardian Kaspen teaches her. When a demon attacks and enslaves him, forcing him to renounce heaven, Enael must surrender her wings to save him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting! The one thing I would consider changing is maybe giving us a sense of the choice Enael faces. Right now you're basically telling us that she's going to surrender her wings, but if you tweaked it to "Enael must surrender her wings or watch him die" or something like that, we'll get the sense that she has a big decision to make.

      Side note: this is optional, but you probably don't need to say "with romantic elements" when classifying your genre. :)

      Hope this helps!

      Delete
    2. You might want to tighten the first sentence. It might be better if you spend the first sentence talking about how she falls for her teacher, who shows her more than just how to protect humans or something. You should also drop the "adult" and "romantic elements" to your genre description. It's not necessary.

      Delete
    3. Samantha, I agree with Elizabeth's and Ava's notes on this. It's an interesting concept, but it doesn't grab me straightaway.

      I suggest going back to the revision cave for another pass. I'd really like to see your updated version of it.

      Delete
    4. YAY! Found your post.
      I like this. It gives all the salient points (as per what I gleaned from your QL). The one thing I would change here is the second sentence, maybe show a bit more of the conflict Enael must face to save Kaspen rather then all that is happening to Kaspen - especially as the book is about Eneal primarily.
      Have you done a twitter version yet? If so, would like to see it.

      Delete
  15. Wendy Parris
    Ghost Farm, MG Mystery

    35 word blog pitch

    Twelve-year-old Rebecca, reluctantly visiting relatives in Iowa, is plagued by terrifying nightmares and a chilling ghost. Determined to stop the torment, she discovers a creepy abandoned farmhouse and uncovers a long-buried family secret.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This sounds great! The only thing I would recommend is maybe rewording the beginning of your pitch a bit, like this:

      "After reluctantly visiting relatives in Iowa, twelve-year old Rebecca is plagued by terrifying nightmares and a chilling ghost." In order to fit to 35 words, you could then either remove "creepy" from "creepy abandoned farmhouse" or maybe change "creepy abandoned" to "haunted" or something of the like.

      Hope this helps!

      Delete
    2. I like this. I know it's hard with only 35 words, but I'd love to know something about Rebecca. Maybe you could cut "reluctantly visiting relatives" and replace it with a clue to Rebecca's personality? Just a thought. Good luck.

      Delete
    3. Being a native Iowan, I'm excited about your story. ;)

      But is it required information in the pitch? Even "visiting relatives" might be enough information and frees up three words you could something else with. Love the rest of it, though.

      Delete
    4. I think the wording just needs to be jiggled about a bit here. But I think Ava hit it on the head. It works much better in her version. So using Ava's opening:

      While reluctantly visiting relatives in Iowa, twelve-year old Rebecca is plagued by terrifying nightmares and a chilling ghost. Then she discovers an abandoned farmhouse and uncovers a long-buried family secret.

      This brings you to 32 words.

      I do love a good MG/YA ghost story! This sounds great

      Delete
  16. Jesse Sutanto
    INITIATION, YA Fantasy

    (I'm toying with two versions...help!)

    35 word blog pitch:
    1. Mara the Fatty, Mara the Clever, or Mara the Deceased. How will assassin school remember her?

    2. Fatty Mara, Clumsy Mara, Clever Mara. If she doesn't pass the final test in assassin school, she will become Dead Mara.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I posted this earlier, on the deleted comment. I like #2. It's snarky. :)

      Delete
    2. I definitely like the second version better! It's amusing, but at the same time gives a good sense of the conflict. The only thing I'm not sure about is that first sentence—are those names how she views herself or names that others call her? You have some extra words to play with, so I would consider maybe making that clearer.

      Delete
    3. Yes, I go with Matt and Ava. 2 is both funny and engaging.

      Delete
    4. I vote for #2, but I'd say "she'll be Dead Mara". Dead Mara is awesome. Hi Hippo.

      Delete
    5. #2!
      But definitely use all 35 words and give us more detail! Agree with Ava Jae, maybe after the list of names, write - "seventeen-year old Mara lives up to all of these names (or something, give us more about the character)

      Say "fails" instead of "doesn't pass" to get another word in and give it more punch, too.

      Delete
    6. OOOOH! #2. So snarky and attention getting. But use up more of your words, hook us in even more!

      Delete
    7. You know I like #2. Only other comment is that perhaps you could change the last few words to 'she will be Dead Mara'. It's less passive.

      Delete
  17. Ava Jae
    FIELD OF BONES, YA Paranormal

    35 word pitch:

    Cade is unaware that a secret society has been watching since he killed his girlfriend with a kiss—now an assassin isn't his biggest problem.

    Twitter pitch:

    A secret society has been watching 17yo Cade since he killed his gf w/ a kiss—now an assassin isn't his biggest problem. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! Very intriguing... since you haven't used 35 words, I would add a sense of place, and a bit more detail about the secret society - why are they watching him ('cause he's a killer? do they want to punish him or use him in some way?)

      Delete
    2. I like the concept but I think you can strengthen your 35 word pitch a bit. maybe something like
      "Ever since Cade killed his girlfriend with a kiss, a secret society watches him. Now an assassin ...

      I'd try to get more detail in there if you can about the assassins plan and who sent him but I think you are close on your pitch

      I like the twitter pitch.

      Delete
    3. I like Jamie's rewrite idea for your 35 word pitch. Something to hint at why an assassin is after him would make it even better.

      Delete
    4. Yes, I'm not sure we need to be told he's unaware, and I agree that starting with the killing by a kiss strengthens the pitch (though not 'watches him'). But the pitch is already highly intriguing and attractive.

      Delete
    5. This leads me to think Cade is awful. That he meant to kill his girlfriend. For other places I've seen this that isn't true.

      Maybe add 'accidentally' before killed.

      Also I think the last part is generic/cliche. There is room to be more specific with the stakes.

      Delete
    6. Thank you so much, all! I've rewritten the 35 word pitch to something a little more specific (I hope). Any extra thoughts are greatly appreciated.

      REVISED 35 word pitch:

      After Cade accidentally kills his girlfriend with a kiss, a katana-wielding assassin nearly takes his head. But when a secret society has deems him a loose cannon, the assassin becomes the least of his problems.

      Delete
  18. 35 word pitch:

    Martin’s prospects are glorious. But reality doesn’t live up to them.

    Infidelity and conflict tarnish love and ambition. And the dreams that drew him into business become nightmares when death joins the company.  

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This feels a little vague to me. Glorious prospects, love, ambition and death could all mean just about anything. I would recommend giving us details that are more specific to your manuscript.

      Also, your genre and age range as well as the title may help us with your critiques. :)

      Delete
    2. I agree that this is vague. What prospects? Why are they glorious? I don't know anything about him--he could be a astronaut in the year 3300, a businessman in 2013 (which is what I gather from the end), or a 5-year-old prodigy who's being hounded by an evil corporation bent on world domination.

      Delete
  19. Matthew W. Quinn
    BATTLE FOR THE WASTELANDS, Military Fantasy/Western

    35-Word Blog Pitch:
    In a post-apocalyptic steampunk world, 16-year-old Andrew Sutter is thrust into guerrilla war against the tyrant Grendel when his badlands hometown is destroyed by the cannibalistic Flesh-Eating Legion. Airships abound.

    Twitter Pitch:
    In post-apocalyptic/steampunk world, teen Andrew Sutter goes to war vs. tyrant Grendel after hometown’s destruction by cannibals. Airships!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you've got the right amount of detail but I wonder if you could pull in some voice. This feels a bit like a run on sentence so you may want to consider breaking it up a bit. You've also got some passive voice so if you can twists things around to say what thrusts Andrew into the war that might help a bit. Saying "A cannibalistic Flesh-eating Legion destroys his badlands hometown" will eliminate some passive voice and save you some words.

      Another way to save words would be eliminate the MC's last name.

      In you twitter pitch you give the right amount of detail but i think it falls a bit flat because im not left wanting to know more. try to leave some sort of question or intrigue there that draws a reader in. What makes Andrew so special why should i read his story?

      Delete
    2. There are a lot of big words in there, and don't all make the story clear. I'd snip off the airships bit to start, since saying steampunk alludes to them anyway. Cannibalistic Flesh-Eating is duplicitous and a mouth full, too. Fun concept though, good luck!

      Delete
  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Shannon! I remember your query letter from AW. This is so cute. I really love it. The only thing I wonder is if it's clear that "the bad guys" are humans. Since I remember the story, I know that they are, but on first read-through, it might not be clear.

      Delete
    2. Sounds fun!
      Love the second sentence in the 35 pitch, thinking the first one needs more punch. Maybe combine them right up front: When X is stolen, scruffy dog Hobbs overcomes his cowardice, biting the bad guys and slobbering over the good as he hounds the no-good clowns-turned burglars and solves the Harlequin Hullaballo... or something like that...

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  21. Second attempt after an insightful comment from Ava:

    ‘Good Company’ is the story of a young man whose move into a business career turns out a lot less rewarding than he’d hoped.

    35 word pitch:

    Martin followed love and ambition when he chose to move into the business world. But infidelity undermines his dreams, and they really turn to nightmares when conflicts bring death into the company.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OK, this is the one I just commented on above. I think you're getting closer.

      What genre is this? YA, NA, Adult? Contemporary, fantasy, horror?

      I like the first sentence. It tells us who he is, although you could be even more specific. Is he a project manager? An executive? A market researcher?

      The second sentence is still vague, though. You're telling us about the conflict he's facing, but not about the stakes. Maybe he's high strung and so a papercut is a nightmare. Or maybe someone's murdering people in the bathroom after hours. See what I mean?

      Delete
    2. Thanks, and here's another revision:

      Good Company’ is a contemporary adult novel of a young man whose move into a business career turns out a lot less rewarding than he’d hoped.

      35 word pitch:

      Martin sought love and success when he followed his girlfriend into the glamour of marketing. Infidelity undermines his dreams, and they turn into nightmares when the bitter infighting around him brings death into the company.

      Delete
    3. Quick question: Is the first part (above your pitch) part of your pitch? Or is that just the information many of us have been putting below our names? Just curious.

      Ok, as for your pitch, this is MUCH better! We have a way better sense of what exactly happens to your protagonist and what the problem is. Now, I see the problem, but I'm not entirely sure what the stakes are yet. What does Martin have to lose? Yes, someone dies, but is it murder? An accident? A heart attack? Is it someone he cares about? How is this death important? If you give us a sense as to how this affects Martin, I think it'll be that much stronger. :)

      Delete
  22. Andrea N. Jackson
    SPECIATION, YA with sci-fi and romantic elements.

    35-Word Pitch

    Ibbie and Logan, genetically altered by a virus, learn being unique isn't advantageous. They're forced into a relationship with expectations of producing a child to be used for experimentation. Not cooperating their life becomes dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the first two sentences. The third one doesn't outline the stakes fully. What's going to happen to them? Here's a way to get some words back:

      Genetically altered Ibbie and Logan learn being unique isn't advantageous, when they're forced to produce a child to be used for experimentation.

      Now you have 13 words to outline the stakes.

      Delete
    2. I think you've put a lot of big words in here, and it's slowing you down. Also, I don't understand the last sentence. I think you could simplify and specify. Maybe something like "After being genetically modified by a virus, Ibbie and Logan are forced onto a relationship by (Mr.X). If they don't produce a baby for (his) evil experiments, they'll be executed." That's not great, but you get the idea. Good luck.

      Delete
    3. Is Ibbie a woman? Because I'm confused. Also want to know what "unique" means.

      Delete
  23. Joy Dickinson
    It’s a Lipstick World, Picture Book

    35 word blog pitch:
    What’s real beauty? Old thinking: Lipstick. The new way: A girl learns it means don’t be afraid to get dirty, fight bullies, and let go of your stuff.

    Twitter pitch:
    Will lipstick make the world beautiful? Mother says no, takes daughter down a bold path to beauty. No makeup required. #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this pitch gets too much into the moral of the story rather than the actually plot of the story. From the pitch it's not very clear.

      Delete
  24. Kate Julicher
    Kingsdaughter, Fantasy

    35-word pitch:
    The Kingsdaughter’s only chance to keep her country together? Invite every warrior to a tournament. Champion gets the throne. Magic armor hides her face; they won’t know she’s in the fight until she’s won.

    Twitter pitch:
    Alena’s chance to keep her country together? Hold tournament. Winner takes throne. Then pick up her sword and enter the ring. 94k #Pitchmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure why the first sentence is a question. It all sounds a little awkward and choppy. However, the concept sounds cool with the female warrior and all. You might want to add the MC's motivation for joining the tournament.

      Delete
  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Pete Catalano
    Unlimited Wishes

    35 Word Pitch:

    Thirteen-year old Luke discovers his cell phone can grant wishes. But with autocorrect, even the slightest change triggers the most riotous, disastrous, and catastrophic consequences. Aladdin as a game-playing, app-using, tech-head, with monster issues.

    Twitter Pitch:

    13yo Luke finds his cell phone can grant wishes, but with autocorrect even the slightest change triggers the most catastrophic consequences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WOW such a fun concept! I think with the first pitch you can eliminate some of the descriptors on the consequences, just catastrophic is good, and maybe you can use those words better elsewhere. Love it!

      Delete
    2. Love this concept. I'm not sure you need "riotous, disastrous, and catastrophic" - but maybe that's just me.

      Also not sure about the phrase "with autocorrect, even the slightest change triggers" maybe "but thanks to autocorrect the simplest wishes have catastrophic consequences"?

      Good luck.

      Delete
    3. I don't think you need riotous, disastrous and catastrophic since they all say the same thing. Just stick with one. I don't think you need the Aladdin sentence either. Use that sentence for talking about what Luke does with the cell phone or what conflict results from having the cell phone. Is this MG fantasy?

      Delete
    4. I agree with the others. This is a really interesting concept. I would stick with one adjective, though. Good luck!

      Delete
  27. Karen Edwards
    CHERRY, Lit Fic/Suspense

    FYI GUYS: *Language*

    35 word blog pitch:
    The fucked-up prostitute is hellbent on killing himself. The selfish prick is hellbent on saving his young ass. The pistol's loaded. The clock is ticking. One shot: it's gonna get ugly.

    Twitter pitch:
    Anticipation. Penetration. Ejaculation. You're not gay? Then what the fuck are you DOING, Asshole? LitFic 73K suspense#PitchMas

    OR. . .

    Twitter pitch:
    That loaded pistol's not the only thing in the closet, is it? You screwed Cherry and now he loves you. You get one shot, Asshole. LitFic 73K suspense#PitchMas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you sure this is literary fiction? Not erotica? Not sure if swearing in the pitch is a good idea.

      Delete
    2. I don't mind swearing, but I'm not sure I get your pitches. To me it feels more like a rant then a taste of a book.

      Delete
  28. Vicki Orians
    CATCH ME WHEN I FALL, YA Paranormal Romance

    Twitter pitch:

    When a 17yo Dreamcatcher falls for his charge, he ends up in the middle of a witch's war that will bring on the apocalypse.

    35-word pitch:

    When seventeen-year-old Dreamcatcher, Daniel, falls for the human he’s supposed to protect, he will risk his eternity to protect her from becoming a piece in a plot to bring on the apocalypse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like your Twitter pitch.

      In the 35 word pitch, I think "risk his eternity to protect her from becoming a piece in a plot to bring on the apocalypse" is a bit too alliterative (p) and also vague. I liked the "witch's war" reference in the Twitter pitch.

      Good luck.

      Delete
    2. I'd like a couple more hints what dreamcatchers are/do. "risk his eternity" is nice, but the rest of the sentence drags some. Cool idea, good luck!

      Delete
    3. I really like your Twitter pitch.

      I feel like you can bone up your 35-word one a bit more. I agree with K Callard, can you add the witch's war reference in it? It's specific and intriguing.

      Delete
  29. HEROIC HEARTS - MG epic fantays

    Twitter Pitch:

    13yo Prince Jarron has to get engaged to save his kingdom.(She drives him nuts!)To keep it he has to figure out how to be himself .#PitchMAS

    35 Word Pitch:

    To save his kingdom Jarron has to get engaged to a girl that drives him nuts. But that's easy, it’s what princes do. The hard part is figuring out how be a normal 13yo boy.

    ReplyDelete
  30. A LOOK INTO THE FUTURE
    MG Magical Realism

    35 Word Pitch

    Thirteen-year old Jesse’s grandfather leaves him a camera that can take pictures of the future. But since he’s not sure why the feds and a secret society are after him, the crisis is still developing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This seems like a cool concept. I'm a little confused as to why he is confused about the feds being after him. You'd think they'd just be after the camera, right? If I were Jesse that's what I would think.

      Not a fan of the "crisis is still developing" feels a bit vague and I think you could use the extra words to give us a clearer idea of the central conflict or of Jesse.

      Delete
  31. Twitter Pitch:

    A YA Sci-Fi reimagining of The Man in the Iron Mask, where the twin brother is hidden in the past… and an android.

    ReplyDelete
  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you have something good here, but I think you are trying to cram too much detail in and its coming off a bit confusing.

      Maybe just state which triplet Eva is and that she's in search of her siblings. I'm not sure of the stakes though. The dark realm is seductive but what happens if she chooses that and doesnt find her siblings? I think saying and may prove irresistible is repeating the seductive part so i'd cut that in favor of freeing up some words.

      For the twitter pitch is you use the number 1 instead of 1 you may free up some characters to say where eva returns to. and I'd just say but the dark realm is seductive.or the dark realm seduces.

      Delete
    2. I just have a few questions. One escapes from what? Which one is Eva of those three? I like the line about the Dark Realm being seductive.

      In the twitter pitch, where is Eva returning to? Where did she go in the first place?

      I'm not getting a great idea of the central conflict or of the MC.

      Delete
  33. Heather Cyr
    OUR LADY OF FATIMA, YA Contemporary

    35-word pitch:
    Paige wants things to be normal, clean, labeled. She’s embarrassed that her mom wears men’s clothes, has a good-for-nothing girlfriend, and uses the dishwasher as a filing cabinet. Then things go from bad to bizarre.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This feels a bit too vague. I like the beginning but we get a better image of her mother than Paige so I feel more on the mom's side than the MCs. The last line though "things go from bad to bizarre." I just really don't know what that means as someone reading the pitch.

      Delete
    2. I like the details on the mother and, especially the dishwasher. I think the last sentence is a bit too generic. If Paige's goal is to be normal, what is she doing to get that way? Maybe if you could re-word to show some of the action that's going to happen and some of her "quest" it would help.

      Delete
    3. I'm not sure that your last sentence is specific enough, especially since things sound pretty bizarre to begin with. Could you start with "Paige is embarrassed that her mom...as a filing cabinet" then go on to say specifically what bad/bizarre thing happens?

      Delete
    4. I like the set up for Paige. You feel for her & completely understand why she's embarrassed. So great beginning.

      But "Then things go from bad to bizarre." is very vague (& I do know how hard this is with only 35 words). I have no idea what the stakes are here or what it means to go to bizarre. Is her mom now certifiable? Is child protective services coming? Did her mom turn into a toadstool? Actually, I think the toadstool option is the one that's truly bizarre.

      Delete
  34. Susan Fisher. YA Fantasy W/ Romantic Elements

    35 Word Pitch
    17-year-old Sutton Willow didn't think she'd kill her ex-friend, fall in love with the enemy, or save her sister from the brink of death. But witches who walk the line of evil are unpredictable.

    Twitter Pitch
    17yo Sutton didn't think she'd kill her ex-friend, fall in love with the enemy, or save her sister. But witches are unpredictable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the fact that your MC "walks the line of evil". In both cases, I'd like to see better what the stakes are. What is she up against? The way it reads now, I wonder if the three events you mention are the entire story. I think it would be great if you left some room for mystery.

      Delete
    2. I love how morally ambiguous this makes your character seem. The last sentence is phrased a bit awkwardly to me though. I wonder if there isn't a smoother way to say it.

      I do wish we had a clearer image of what the main central conflict is though.

      Delete
    3. I'm a little confused. Is Sutton the one who walks the line of evil? I guess so, but it's a little vague.

      The first line has some good material in it, but "Witches who walk the line of evil are unpredictable" is also vague. I'm not entirely sure what it means to be "unpredictable" in this context. It could mean anything from she could break out in hives at any moment to start talking in tongues to exploding and killing everyone within a 5 mile radius. That much range of speculation probably isn't helping you.

      I get that the key to that part is that she's a witch. Definitely key info, but maybe try a few different ways to say it.

      Delete
  35. Laura Rueckert
    ROGUE HEALER, YA Light Sci-Fi

    I've got two possible endings on my pitch. I'd love to hear what you think!

    35 word blog pitch:
    Stay away from humans. Easy for Lexi—until she falls for Garrett. Her species can't survive without donor bodies, and he'd be perfect. But preventing Garrett's donation means betraying her people...and risking the Council's wrath.

    Stay away from humans. Easy for Lexi—until she falls for Garrett. Her species can't survive without donor bodies, and he'd be perfect. But preventing Garrett's donation means betraying her people. And they're watching.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like "And they're watching." better. Its creepier and that somehow implies to me that it's a worse possibility.

      Overall, though, it sounds like a really good pitch to me. Of course, I wonder what she is but you can't fit that sort of thing into 35 words.

      Delete
    2. I really like your pitches. There is a lot of voice in them and they make me want to know more.

      Not sure if this is something that could be answered in the pitch, but it kind of confuses me why Garrett is the only option and why she'd want to be in a male body if she comes across so female in the pitch.

      Delete
    3. I like the second pitch better. Agree with Sarah, that it sounds creepier. I also wonder what she is, and who is telling her to stay away from humans, if her species requires their "donations?"

      Delete
  36. Sarah Hipple
    UNDER SENTINEL GUARD, MG Fantasy

    35 Word Blog Pitch:
    Eric Ortega’s memory is half-gone, and it’s the important half. His mother – gone. All memory of his demon possession – a complete blank. He’s determined to find his mom. The demon is determined to find him.

    Twitter Pitch:
    Eric Ortega's missing some memories. Like of his Mom or the time he was possessed by a demon. Can he find Mom before the demon finds him?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The 35 word pitch kind of confuses me. What would be the non-important half of a person's memory? Is the memory of his mother gone or his actual mother. I like the end of it with determined to find his mom, matched with the demon determined to find him.

      Except if he's missing memories of his mom then how does he know he needs to find her? This is an issue I see in both pitches.

      Delete
  37. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Ashley Bacon
    Dangerous Inventions
    YA Science Fiction

    35 word pitch: A teenage assassin in a tiger's body gets a reluctant education in being a human boy again when he accepts a mission to protect a rebellious but charming young inventor with a life-threatening secret.

    Twitter pitch: 16 y/o assassin in a tiger's body accepts a mission to protect a young inventor w/ a secret that turns his life upside down #PitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting! So I'm a little confused by the first part of your 35 word pitch. If he's in a tiger's body, how is he being educated in being a human? And why is it reluctant? I'm actually not sure that you need to explain it, because it doesn't seem that the education bit is essential to your pitch. I'd suggest removing it and maybe giving us more details about the stakes at play.

      As for your Twitter pitch, I like it, but I think if you could give us more details about HOW it turns his life upside down, rather than being generic, it'd be even better. :)

      Hope this helps!

      Delete
  39. Jasmine Rubert
    Kingdoms and Realms, YA Fantasy

    35-word Pitch:
    Abandoned in a foreign castle, Lorelei must face isolation and King Henrik’s ghastly fate for her. Despite being Drakenara’s new Dragon Maiden, Lorelei finds unexpected friendship, love and strength enough to discover her true destiny.


    Twitter Pitch:
    Abandoned in a foreign castle & slated the next Dragon Maiden, Lorelei finds love & strength enough to discover her true destiny.#pitchMAS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think these are both pretty great. You convey a lot of information in a very short amount of time which is important in a pitch. I want to know more about these characters. I wonder if you need to include Drakenara though because I don't know who that is and what the role means. Maybe just "Despite being a new Dragon Maiden" (which sounds awesome by the way). I like they way you go without it in the twitter pitch.

      Great job!

      Delete