On the First Day of #PitchMAS: Peer Critique/Honing Workshop
HAPPY #pitchMAS, YOU GUYS!
(Or, at least, happy first leg of pitchMAS!)
Comment below with your pitches (both 35 word blog pitches and 140 character Twitter pitches, or just one--whichever you feel you need help with). Your peers will comment and help you hone your pitches into something that will grab the attention of our esteemed editors and agents during the live pitch fest (and hopefully get your pitch seen and loved by Jessa and I for the blog!)
Please, please, please read each other's comments and share your thoughts and pointers. That's what today is all about!
(Or, at least, happy first leg of pitchMAS!)
Comment below with your pitches (both 35 word blog pitches and 140 character Twitter pitches, or just one--whichever you feel you need help with). Your peers will comment and help you hone your pitches into something that will grab the attention of our esteemed editors and agents during the live pitch fest (and hopefully get your pitch seen and loved by Jessa and I for the blog!)
Please, please, please read each other's comments and share your thoughts and pointers. That's what today is all about!
Here are a few free tips from Tam:
-In a pitch, we need a GOAL, a CONFLICT, and STAKES.
The goal is what the main character/s need to accomplish.
The conflict is what's preventing them from accomplishing that goal.
The stakes are what happens if the main character fails.
The conflict is what's preventing them from accomplishing that goal.
The stakes are what happens if the main character fails.
Sometimes these can be combined, but we need to get a feeling for those points. I know it sounds like a lot to cram into 35 words, but here is one of mine as an example.
*And please remember, a pitch CAN break the rules--it's there to HOOK us. Forest/trees. If it doesn't have all three but makes us get grabby raccoon hands for your MS, then it does its job.*
-Hyphenated words count as ONE WORD, but don't try to be sneaky with it. Follow grammar rules.
-Especially in Spec Fic, the temptation to use unique words comes up. But if your character is a Thferzle, that gives me NO information out of context in a pitch. Judges haven't read your MS and don't know what YOUR Thferzle is. Avoid using made up words because they raise more questions and give no information--burning up one of your precious words.
-Things you can PROBABLY safely cut from the blog pitch:
-Ages (we can infer your MC's age is 13-18ish if the category says YA. Don't waste one of your 35 words on something we don't need.)
-Last names
-Anything that's listed in the relevant information above the pitch. Category, genre, POV, tense. (These might be necessary in the twitter pitch, but the blog gives you more wiggle room as you get to include more.)
-Anything that's listed in the relevant information above the pitch. Category, genre, POV, tense. (These might be necessary in the twitter pitch, but the blog gives you more wiggle room as you get to include more.)
-PLEASE make sure it's a PITCH and not a SPOILERY SYNOPSIS. Don't tell us everything that happens in 35 words. ENTICE US to read more WITH those 35 words!!! No one likes a spoilery motherfucker.
-PLEASE don't try to entice us by being deliberately vague. By this, I mean don't try and use made up words, or 'you'll never guess what happens next!' as a means of piquing our interest. MAKE US CARE about what happens next. There's a difference between being mysterious and being annoyingly vague.
An example of a comment during the pitch-honing workshop could look something like this:
Name: Tamara Mataya
Title: THE BEST LAID PLANS
Category: Adult
Genre: Erotic Romance
Wordcount: 55k
Genre: Erotic Romance
Wordcount: 55k
35 word blog pitch:
Ten years later, she doesn't recognize him. He never forgot her. Jayne wants the perfect lover. Malcolm wants revenge. But you know what they say about the best laid plans...
Twitter pitch:
Jayne wants the perfect lover. Malcolm wants revenge. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. #PitchMAS
Once your comment has posted, people can respond telling you what would work better for your pitch, what they like, dislike, etc, and we can all help each other with honing our pitches and making them contest ready.
Tamara and Jessa will not be participating in the honing portion of #pitchMAS, as we are the ones who will be picking the Top pitches for the blog, so it would not be fair.
We will, however, be around to answer questions on Twitter, so @ us or use the hashtag!
Tam & Jessa
Because of the sheer volume of comments on the pitch-honing workshop, you'll have to click "load more'' at the bottom of the page a few times to see all of the comments. When in doubt, hit 'refresh'!
Hi everyone :) This is one I've been playing around with so far. Can't wait to read all of yours.Thanks in advance
ReplyDeleteName: Cassandra Newbould
Title: THE BLOOD BARRIER
Category: YA
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 79k
35 word blog pitch:
Antihero Haley, and her time-traveling brother, KC, must accept mutual feelings for the same guy and join magical forces, or the voices driving Haley to kill instead of heal with her blood-bending powers will prevail.
This looks like an interesting story! My primary concern is that "antihero" feels generic -- is there a more vivid / specific description you could use? Thoughts on how to make space for it:
Delete- cut "magical"
- cut "with her blood-bending powers" and instead use "blood-bending" or "blood-bender" in the initial mention of Haley (I also think this cut could add oomph to the "heal instead of kill")
- shrink the latter half to "join forces against the voices driving Hayley to heal instead of kill." (And see above re: oomph.) Though that change puts "voices" and "forces" too close together, so maybe "team up" instead of "join forces?"
Hope that helps!
- Natasha Razi
Hi fellow fantasy author!
Delete*Antihero is a strong keyword but you don't explain why she is one.
*You could indeed cut the magical from 'join magical forces'
*I like and see what you want to do there, but the 'kill instead of heal' part doesn't really work.
*I also like the 'voices driving' part but I don't really understand what those voices are; other people, inner voices, etc.
You should generally be as specific as possible.
I hope I could help you out! I'll try to find you on Twitter! :) We definitely need a fantasy authors support group!
-Athena
Travelling through time, Haley amd her brother, KC, must overcome romantic feelings for the same guy and join their magical forces, or the voices driving her to kill instead of heal with her blood-bending powers will prevail.
DeleteI agree with Athena on her comments AND the idea for a fantasy authors writing support group! Does someone want to start a Google hangout or Facebook group? :)
DeleteCassandra - I think what is missing here is the GOAL and perhaps the antagonist. I'm not clear on what's driving them other than the love interest. And here are my questions: Is Haley not a time-traveler? What does time-traveling have to do with story? Who is against them and who is she being forced to kill?
Just the start of an idea:
Time-travelers, Haley and her brother must accept mutual feelings for the same guy and align their blood-bending powers against ______ or the voices will force her to kill ______ instead of heal.
Good luck!!
Hi! Thanks for all the help, can't wait to get to yours. KC is the only time traveler. But he suffers seizures when he travels. however, when he meets his sister Haley she's being attacked and he travels with her anyway to save her.
DeleteShe tries to heal his brain, but later on he has to travel again and this time when his temporal lobe misfires she saves it, but his memory of her disappears.
The people who stole Haley at birth for her blood-bending are the ones who they all end up fighting. But Haley fights and kills them for revenge, not to save the group of people fighting with her.
All through this, Charles, KC's best friend and secret crush, helps calm Haley down with his emotional bending. They begin to fall for each other which pushes KC away and makes him want to turn her in.
But unless anyone can get through the delusions and voice in Haley's head which is the voice of her long lost mama telling her to destroy and kill everything then all is a lost cause :)
So yeah, 35 words. hahahaha :)
Hi, though I like the pitch, I have few suggestions. You can be more specific, for one explain what do you mean by "join magical forces,". Instead of saying "must accept mutual feelings for the same guy," I think "falling for the same guy" will give a sense of tension. And the Antihero part sounds odd, why is Haley an Antihero?
DeleteHi all! This is my first time participating in #PitchMAS and I'm really excited to workshop people's pitches, and nervous/excited to hear your feedback. :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteName: Natasha Razi
Title: HONEY AND LEMONS
Category: YA
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 82k
35 word pitch: Being trans, broke, and miles from home was hard enough; now Aldonza’s gotten herself blackmailed into investigating the curse that made her blackmailer’s family disappear. Plus, someone’s trying to stop their investigation. With bullets. Great.
Alternate attempt: Being trans, broke, and miles from home was hard enough; now Aldonza's gotten her parents cursed. To lift it, she must investigate a missing family, but someone's trying to stop her investigation. With bullets. Great.
DeleteI'm not sure whether the thing to highlight is that her family's been cursed or that she's being forced to work with the person who cursed them -- alternately, not sure how to fit both into the wordcount!
- Natasha Razi
I prefer your second- the blackmailing/blackmailer part in the first seems clunky. I like your ending personally but I've been warned off sarcasm in the past. I think it's a personal call- but could you use the extra characters to highlight the blackmailing?
DeleteHello there!
Delete*If by trans, you mean transgender, perhaps mention a relative term in the genre field. Some agents, etc, are specifically looking for such stories so it could help you. If not, sorry for misunderstanding you.
*From the 1st: I didn't like the 'gotten herself blackmailed' It could sound like it was her fault, you know? You could connect the 1st and 2nd pitch, though, as in 'now Aldonza's being forced to investigate the curse that made her and her blackmailer's family disappear.'
*If I had to choose, I'd take the 2nd pitch, too.
Otherwise, I liked that little twitch in the end. We have to show attitude. :)
-Athena
I like the second a lot more and I think you've captured a nice tone that hints the manuscript will have some humor in it. I agree with the others that the blackmail bit sounds clunky.
DeleteBeing trans, broke, and miles from home, now Aldonza must investigate the curse that made her blackmailer’s family disappear and evade bullets someone's shooting at her.
DeleteI agree with the others. #2 is clear and in the 1st having blackmail twice didn't flow comfortably.
DeleteBeing trans, broke, and miles from home-difficult; now Aldonza's gotten her parents cursed and blackmailed. To lift it, she must investigate a missing family, but someone's trying to stop her investigation. With bullets. Great.
Hi, I like the second part a lot, the words blackmail and curse give a sense of the stakes. The first part sounds like you are trying to cram a lot of information in the pitch. The pitch will be better if you tell us who is blackmailing her and why?
DeleteName: Adana Washington
ReplyDeleteTitle: ALL WILL SUFFER ME
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Epic Fantasy
Wordcount: 75k
35 word blog pitch:
To avenge her desecrated friends, a female mercenary must decide if revealing her magic -- and identity -- is worth stopping the strange new religion bent on ridding humans of their natural energy wielding abilities.
Twitter pitch:
To avenge a city, a female merc with her own secrets to keep goes up against a new religion designed to rid the world of magic. #PitchMAS
First off, I LOVE your title. Second, I think you can cut "female"--the pronouns show her gender, and that gives you space to write "mercenary" in the Twitter pitch.
DeleteFor the Twitter pitch, could you reword it to something like "mercenary must risk her secrets to go against"? Just saying she has secrets doesn't carry the same weight as knowing they're crucial to the fight, but I can see where something like "risk revealing her identity" is too many character. :)
- Natasha Razi
Hello!
Delete*I agree with Natasha.
*I'm not 100% sure I understand the abilities. What kind of natural energy do they wield? Since you're getting into specifics, you should be very clear. Perhaps it's just me, though, who doesn't completely get it. You could cut 'natural' and it would be great!
*Suggestion: 'a mercenary, with vital secrets, goes up..."
Good premise, though!! I really liked it!!!!
-Athena
35 word blog pitch:
DeleteTo avenge her desecrated friends, a female mercenary must decide if revealing her magic -- and identity -- is worth stopping the strange new religion bent on ridding humans of their natural energy wielding abilities.
Twitter pitch:
A merc with her own secrets to keep and (obstacle) goes up against a new religion designed to rid the world of magic. #PitchMAS
Hi, I like the twitter pitch a lot, its intriguing and has a nice hook. Just a suggestion, if you remove the words "with her own secrets" and replace it with something shorter, then you will be able to write the word mercenary in the twitter pitch. The complete word makes the pitch more intriguing and gives it a sense of urgency and has a big intrigue element.
DeleteName: Clare Zeschky
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE REMOTE PART
Category: Adult
Genre: Upmarket women's fic/ magic realism
Word count: 75k
Pitch:
Island life is all sheep and shagging. So musician Isla thinks till exhaustion forces her back home. There, she faces pressure to embrace her role on the dark Council- and embrace her ex.
This is kind of confusing and I feel like it is focusing more on moving back home than what happens when she gets home.
DeleteYou could maybe reword it like:
When exhaustion forces musician Isla to leave the island life and move back home, she is pressured to embrace her role on the dark council and face her ex.
You could use the extra words to tell what the stakes are.
Good luck!
Hello!
DeleteExactly what Crystal Christie said!!!!!!!
-Athena
Musician Isla faces pressure to embrace her role on the dark Council(how is this an obstacle) and embrace her ex or (stakes)
DeleteHi, sorry to say that the pitch is a bit confusing. I am not getting a sense of the stakes or the conflict. I agree with what Crystal has suggested. Rephrase the words, add a few words and delete embrace which you have used twice. "Island life is all sheep and shagging, when city-based musician Isla is forced to return home, she must face pressure or embrace her role on the dark Council- and confront her ex." Hope my suggestions help. Good luck!
DeleteThank you for your help! It's making more sense (in my head) already.
DeleteHere's a second attempt: musician Isla faces pressure to embrace her role on the dark island council and leave fame behind. But this would mean facing the truth about her twin's death- and her feelings for her ex.
To be honest, the actual pitch doesn't sound like magical realism. Dark councils make me think it is something far more sinister and more fantasy-ish than not. The actual delivery of it is also fragmented in terms of its voice. I would suggest following Rachna's advice up above.
DeleteThanks Rachna and Jay. I'll keep working. This is bloody hard!
DeleteI might switch "dark" to "ancient" for a start. Getting the magic realism across in a pitch is tough without it sounding totally cheesy.
Name: Jamie Beth Cohen
ReplyDeleteTitle: SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYTHING
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Coming of Age/Recent Historical (90s)
Wordcount: 91K
FIRST ATTEMPT:
Everyone thinks the college guy is wrong for her. Everyone thinks the pro baseball player is a harmless family friend. Everyone is wrong. But there’s no denying 16-year-old Alice is in over her head.
SECOND ATTEMPT:
Caught between a musician who is “wrong” for her, a professional athlete who is making unwanted advances, and her father who connects them all, Alice must figure out who she is before she loses herself.
THIRD ATTEMPT:
16-year-old Alice is caught between enjoying her burgeoning sexuality and underestimating its considerable power. Distracted by a crush and unmoored by harassment, she will lose herself if she can't figure out who she is.
FOURTH ATTEMPT:
Sixteen-year-old Alice suddenly has the body of a ‘60s pin-up model. Thrust into a world of men who only see her figure, she must balance power and vulnerability with her tuition money on the line.
(ATTEMPT doesn't even look like it's a real word anymore! Thanks in advance for your help - if you can't tell, this is my first time!)
Hello girl!!
DeleteIt's my first time, too, so I understand you!!
I'd go with the 2nd pitch, even though all are brilliantly articulated.
*Suggestion for the 2nd: ''wrong for her, a 'harmless' professional athlete, and her father...' It could bring more contrast.
Well done, though!
-Athena
THANK YOU!!!!!
DeleteThis one says the most:
DeleteSixteen-year-old Alice suddenly (magically?) has the body of a ‘60s pin-up model. Thrust (why? by whom?)into a world of men who only see her figure, she must balance power (what kind of power?) and vulnerability (why is she vulnerable?) before Dad takes away her tuition money
THANK YOU!
DeleteTHANK YOU!
DeleteI think the first half of the first pitch along with the tuition on the line would be the best idea. But they all look great!
DeleteI also love the second pitch- especially with Athena's tip of adding in "harmless".
DeleteI'm not sure I love that the 90's are recent historical though. That makes me feel old!
@Khaleesibrarian - THANK YOU!
Delete@Clare - THANKS! and about the recent historical: KILLS ME EVERY TIME. so old. so, so old. :-)
WOW - you all are awesome - can I get your feedback on these two options?
DeleteEDIT 1
Caught between a musician who is “wrong” for her, a "harmless" professional athlete and her gambling father who connects them, Alice must protect her body and her tuition money before all is lost.
EDIT 2
Caught between a musician who is “wrong” for her, a "harmless" professional athlete who is making inappropriate advances, and her gambling father who connects them, Alice is at risk of losing herself, and her tuition.
Name: Crystal Christie
ReplyDeleteTitle: BETWEEN REALITIES
Category: New Adult
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 83K
35 word blog pitch:
While moving on from her amnesiac orphaned past, nineteen-year-old Annisten unexpectedly falls in love. Soon after, she suspect’s paranormal conspiracy connected to local deaths and must prove it’s not mental illness before it’s too late.
Twitter pitch:
19yo amnesiac falls in love, discovers powers, suspects paranormal conspiracy, must prove she's not mentally ill & save humanity #NA #PITMAD
Hi there!
Delete*Prove it's not whose mental illness? The town's?
*Bring some lightness to your twitter pitch. Seems too clinical. You can do better, girl!
*Also, I'm not sure if I like the 'amnesiac orphaned past'
That would be all! Hope it helped!
-Athena
Orphan, amnesiac, Annisten falls in lovewith? (what kind of guy/girl) When people start dying in her town, she must prove she's not mentally ill, when she asserts the deaths are caused by a conspiracy of ____ before more people die.
DeleteTwitter pitch:
19yo amnesiac falls in love, discovers powers, suspects paranormal conspiracy, must prove she's not mentally ill & save humanity
Athena's three points are pretty much what I was going to say, but also the bit about her falling in love - it seems incomplete; why is it unexpected for her to fall in love? You also probably don't need the 'Soon after' . Maybe that second sentence can just begin with 'But local deaths cause her to suspect...'
DeleteNot sure about orphaned past... is her being an orphan important? I'm also wondering how her falling in love relates to her trying to prove the conspiracy. Is she the one being accused? I think trying to clarify the stakes would be good. What happens if she doesn't prove the conspiracy? What happens with her love interest? Does he/she think Annisten is guilty? I like the idea of her having amnesia and being an orphan, creates the sense that this poor girl is going to have a lot to deal with but it also sounds pretty dark. And what's the paranormal angle? Are we talking occult, shape shifters, vampires? Getting some sense of that might be helpful too. Good luck!
DeleteAnd here's an entry from India. Look forward to your feedback, will be commenting soon on yours. Thanks in advance!
ReplyDeleteName: Yashodhara Lal
Title: THE LAST SUMMER BEING GUDIA
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Humor/Memoir
Wordcount: 90k
35 word blog pitch:
Growing up in India, awkward misfit ‘Gudia’ develops an obsession with winning, basketball and the boy with the American accent. But her strange dysfunctional family doesn't even notice as their competitive middle-child steers for failure.
Twitter Pitch:
Awkward Gudia develops obsession with winning. Dysfunctional family doesn't notice she's heading for failure. Quirky Indian memoir #Pitchmas
This is good, but it almost seems like there are too many descriptive words. And, at first I thought that the middle-child steering for failure was someone different than Gudia. (That might just be because I'm only on my first cup of coffee, though...) I think it would read a little smoother if you did something like:
DeleteGrowing up in India as an awkward, middle-child of a strange dysfunctional family, Gudia develops an obsession with winning basketball and the boy with the American accent. Her family doesn't notice she's steering for failure.
Good luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteGrowing up in India, awkward misfit ‘Gudia’ develops an obsession with winning, basketball and the boy with the American accent. But the relationship is doomed by (obstacles) and Guidia could end up without the boy or the basketball (or whatever the stakes are)
DeleteTwitter Pitch:
Awkward Gudia develops obsession with winning. Dysfunctional family doesn't notice she's heading for failure. Quirky Indian memoir #Pitchmas
Thanks very much, Carolyn. Great inputs :)
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteAnd thank you Crystal, really appreciate the input.
DeleteName: Athena Greyson (HI EVERYONE!!)
ReplyDeleteTitle: Elusive Heart
Category: Adult
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy (with mythological and romantic elements)
Wordcount: 120K
VERY FIRST ATTEMPT AT A 35-WORD PITCH:
GOSSIP GIRL joins SECRET CIRCLE. Emily enrolls at a magical university to spark a crusade against blood inequality. Except she makes friends, possibly falls in love, and feels affectionate toward her mom’s killer.
AND HERE ARE SOME PITCHES FOR TWITTER:
1. Hunted for her blood. Hated for her parentage. She strives for equality and to cleanse away racism. Think #A Alex Andros.
2. A 19yo orphan no one knows has survived infiltrates the society that stole her future. Not to kill them but to save them.
3. In a world ruled by blood, she was born to lead, not be a prey. Yet she is known by no one. Feared by all. Loved by -some?
4. Witches. Warriors. Gods. Traitors among the greedy. Unsolved murders. Emily must trust her instinct to uncover the truth.
5. She's a Witch and a Warrior -an abomination- with mommy issues, wicked humor, and killing urges who wants to be a hero.
Just tell me what you think. If the story intrigues you, if the pitches create an emotional connection to my ferocious Warrior, Emily, etc. Or any ideas at all! I'm open to any honest, objective, and polite feedback!
THANK YOU!!
To help make it a little clearer what the conflict and stakes are you could maybe reword it like:
DeleteGOSSIP GIRL joins SECRET CIRCLE. Making friends, falling in love, and feeling affection toward her mother's killer weren't part of Emily's plan to spark a crusade against blood inequality when enrolling at the magical university.
Good luck!
I love all the pitches. The first and the third are very eye catchy.
DeleteI love Crystal's suggestion of reworking to make the stakes clear. For the twitter pitches, I think 3 sounds good but really doesn't make the stakes/plot clear.
DeleteOh, hi everyone!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
DeleteCrystal, thank you for the wonderful suggestion!! You are very good at this critique thing!
Thank you all so much!
GOSSIP GIRL joins SECRET CIRCLE. Emily enrolls at a magical university to spark a crusade against blood inequality. (What does that mean? prejudice? something else? clarify)Except she makes friends, possibly falls in love, and feels affectionate toward her mom’s killer.
DeleteLast phrase doesn't seem to fit. what are the stakes here?
AND HERE ARE SOME PITCHES FOR TWITTER:
1. Hunted for her blood. Hated for her parentage. She strives for equality and to cleanse away racism. Think #A Alex Andros. Don't know who AA is, but what are the stakes and what is preventing her from her goal?
2. A 19yo orphan no one knows has survived infiltrates the society that stole her future. Not to kill them but to save them. obstacles? stakes?
3. In a world ruled by blood, she was born to lead, not be a prey. Yet she is known by no one. Feared by all. Loved by -some? needs more specifics: what is her goal, what are the obstacles to reaching her goal, and what might she lose?
4. Witches. Warriors. Gods. Traitors among the greedy. Unsolved murders. Emily must trust her instinct to uncover the truth or (stakes)
5. She's a Witch and a Warrior -an abomination- with mommy issues, wicked humor, and killing urges who wants to be a hero.(obstacles and stakes needed)
Something like this may explain the blood inequality a bit more and highlight the craziness of falling for her mom's killer:
DeleteGOSSIP GIRL joins SECRET CIRCLE. Emily enrolls at a magical university to spark a crusade against blood inequality toward witches. Only problem is, feeling affection toward her mom’s killer wasn't part of the bargain.
1. I don't get the reference and taking it out would give you more characters to elaborate the pitch. What kind of racism?
2. I think you can cut out "has". Why would she save them?
3. "not be prey"-take out the "a". "Known by no one and feared by all, she..." maybe try to finish that sentence. "She...may find love where she least expects it." or something like that.
4. "Uncover the truth of..." finish that and this is solid.
5. "Her wicked humor and killing urges won't stop her wanting to be the hero of her story." Something like that. The mommy issues line stops me up every time I read it.
Having said my suggestions, I still think your book sounds fabulous and would love to read it!
Hello! I adore your story concept! I just had a few (hopefully, helpful) comments on your pitches. :)
DeleteSo why does she have to enroll at the university to spark the crusade? Who is the antagonist? Is it professors? The government? Society?
Emily enrolls at a magical university to spark a crusade against blood inequality before.....(add risk) happens and she....(loses something).
And these are some revised Twitter pitch ideas (very simple, but maybe could give you ideas). I said "racist group" and that could be wrong, but some sort of antagonist...
After her mom is murdered over blood type, a young witch seeks revenge against racist group, but she didn't expect to fall for the killer.
Emily seeks revenge for mom's death against racist group, but she has to choose between justice and falling for the murderer. (this needs that magical element added).
GOOD LUCK! If you need someone to read your first Chapter, I'll be happy to help with that too. :)
Hey more wonderful people willing to help!
DeleteI've deduced that I can't for the life of me write a pitch that includes LITTLE PLOT + GOAL+ CONFLICT + STAKES. Even if by some miracle I write one, I can't repeat it. *sighs*
Stakes & Antagonist. Gotcha, ladies!
Finally, you must read Jennifer L. Armentrout! Seriously, you haven't read the Covenant series? I strongly suggest it!
Thanks again! I'm trying to repeat the one-time miracle, taking into serious consideration everything you just told me!
Name: Melissa Davis
ReplyDeleteTitle: BABEL
Category: Adult
Genre: Literary/Science Fiction
Wordcount: 89k
35 word blog pitch:
After social collapse due to a complete breakdown of all verbal and written communication, Roger, an uneager prophet and skeptical veteran, is reluctantly tasked with teaching refugees how to survive in a world without words.
Twitter pitch:
After society loses verbal & written communication, a veteran & uneager prophet must teach refugees how to survive without words. #PitchMAS
Thank you!
35 word blog pitch:
DeleteAfter a complete breakdown of all verbal and written communication on Planet X (or wherever), Roger, a prophet, must find a way to teach refugees how to survive in a world without words or (stakes)
Twitter pitch:
After (Name the) society loses verbal & written communication, a rophet must teach refugees how to survive without words despite (obstacles) or (stakes: what will happen if he doesn't?). #PitchMAS
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSecond try :)
Delete35 word blog pitch:
After a complete Earthly breakdown of all verbal and written communication, Roger, a reluctant prophet, is tasked to teach divinely protected refugees how to survive without words. If he fails, the world will remain mute.
Twitter pitch:
After a global loss of verbal & written contact, a prophet must teach refugees how to survive w/o words, or risk muteness forever. #PitchMAS
Surely if they're surviving without (spoken) words, the worrld will be mute anyway? It'd have to be "without any form of communication" or smthg snappier than that. I love the idea, though!
DeleteFair enough. Thank you :)
DeleteI like this concept, I bet writing it was a challenge!
DeleteI feel like you might be trying to stuff too much info into such a small compartment.
If you just describe the world as mute, you open up some space.
"The world is now mute, and jaded Roger is their only hope of restoring communication".
I took out prophet because in the scope if the pitch, it has nothing to do with anything. That cool tidbit can be revealed in the query as well as why that matters.
But to me, what DOES matter is the fact that he is skeptical, reluctant and uneager... Which can probably be summarized into "jaded".
Thanks! I like the jaded thing..and that frees up more space ;) I also hadn't thought about not revealing the prophet thing.
Delete35 word blog pitch:
After the world is inexplicably struck mute and illiterate, Roger, a jaded army veteran, is tasked to teach a group of refugees how to survive. If he fails, communication will never be restored.
Twitter pitch:
The world is suddenly struck mute and illiterate. Roger, a jaded army veteran, is the only hope for restoring communication. #PitchMAS
I've got a couple of m.s. I want to submit, but not sure which are strongest content/interest wise + I need feedback on my pitches. Any help you can give is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteNAME: Carolyn
TITLE: DARE
CATEGORY: older YA
GENRE: Contemporary coming of age with friendship and romantic elements
WORD COUNT: 63,000 words
35-word pitch:
Raz hates Logan’s snarky ways until he reveals his vulnerable side, daring her to share her secrets. Will Logan’s friendship and love help Raz find a better life or lead to disaster?
140 character Pitch:
Recipe for love or disaster: geeky math whiz keeps dark family secrets; snarky, mixed race boy in big trouble wants her track scholarship & all her hush-hush
To save money for college nerdy math whiz tutors snarky mixed race bad boy, but he could steal her scholarship and all her dark secrets
Math geek & mixed race bad boy learn about friendship and love when forced to help each other, but either one could screw it up when unwanted feelings and memories surface
Math whiz stalks a competitor for the school track scholarship, but gets caught up in his problems and he in hers; both could lose their dream or find a friend or love
MY SISTER'S DATING A SERIAL KILLER YA Thriller
Pitch: 16 y.o. Cammie must find evidence her sister’s rich boyfriend’s a serial killer before he’s on to her and both girls end up in little pieces on his basement floor.
RIO, ROMANCE AND RECKLESS BEHAVIOR YA contemporary adventure
Laurel lies her way onto the senior class cruise to Rio, then must impersonate a famous singer and spy on her nemesis or be thrown off the ship
Laurel will do anything reckless to be on the senior class cruise to Rio: lie to her boyfriend, photo her nemesis cheating, evade kidnappers, and sing in the teen nightclub
Laurel didn’t expect to meet up with thieves and kidnappers on her senior class cruise to Rio and she didn’t expect to fall for her BFF either
MISS PEELE'S SCHOOL FOR EXTRAORDINARY YOUNG LADIES YA Historical
16 yo spies to save Queen Victoria from death at the hands of a time machine speeding toward the Great Plague.
After being kicked out of 2 schls.Nicola’s last-chance finishing school could finish her because it’s a school for spies
WHISPERS YA
Someone whispers to Samantha through the walls. A psychic tells her only she can stop the whispers by helping her ghost-Mom and other whisperers cross over so they won’t have to wander the Earth forever.
SECRET AGENT Adult International Thriller
Ace motorcyclist, Captain Caitlin Stanwyck follows clues across Europe and Asia investigating deaths of 20 U.S. women in Military Hospital in Germany; old flame Major Keller says he’ll help, but he lies for a living
I would use the manuscript you feel strongest about and really focus on it. Of these I like the sounds of DARE the most.
DeleteIn that pitch though you need to bring in the scholarship issues into the 35 word pitch.
"Math geek Raz is forced to tutor bad boy Logan. Secrets, and a blooming love could be lost as Logan tries for her scholarship.' or something like that.
NAME: Komali da Silva
ReplyDeleteTITLE: Ignis Ember
CATEGORY: upper YA/NA
GENRE: coming of age Fantasy
WORD COUNT: 70K
140 character Pitch:
SHATTER ME meet THE SELECTION When Princess Ignis can't avoid the corruption in her land she has to become a criminal to fit in.
or
4 sisters vying for the same crown. Ingis's eyes are opened to corruption and her heart to love. Will she still want the crown?
Thank you so much
I prefer the second pitch the first part is strong. But I would change the sentence "Ingis's eyes are opened to corruption and her heart to love"- make the verb more active than passive. Play around with it.
DeleteThe story sounds interesting! Good luck....
I also like the second more, but I feel like both of them could be more specific (I know that's hard in 140 characters). Is there a specific example of the corruption you could throw in there?
DeleteSomething like: "4 sisters vying for the crown, but when Ingris discovers one of her siblings has murdered to get it, she wonders if power is worth the price."
It's a character too long (and doesn't include the hashtag), but something like that that fleshes out the story a bit more.
Hope that helps!
So excited for this year of PitchMAS. :) I won't be back to critique until later (it's my sister's birthday today, and I promised her a trip), but I'm looking forward to checking out the other entries!
ReplyDeleteName: K. Kazul Wolf
Title: ESSENCE
Category: Upper MG
Genre: Fantasy
Wordcount: 56k
35 word blog pitch:
Trapped in a world of memory-eating magic, moody stoves, and soul-guzzling monsters, Emma’s an amnesiac with no one to trust. If she doesn’t remember her past to find home, this place will destroy her future.
Oh I love this!
DeleteLove your concept!
DeleteI think the pitch is attractive as well, but it might be stronger with some rearranging. The first sentence is a little long. Could you place "Emma's an amnesiac with no one to trust." first as a separate sentence, and then connect "Trapped...." and "If she...." somehow?
I love the idea of a moody stove!! Def most memorable thing I've seen so far today.
DeleteSounds interesting.
DeleteI'm wondering about the "moody stoves" is this a very important element to the story? It doesn't sound particularly threatening, just annoying, so I'm wondering if it's essential enough to include in the pitch?
I think Steve's right on track with his rearranging suggestion. Here's my go at it: Emma is an amnesiac trapped in a world of memory-eating magic, moody stoves and soul-guzzling monsters. Unless she can remember how to get home, this world will destroy her future.
I agree with Gayleen about the rewording and I think her pitch arrangement sounds great too! Having said that, I love the part about the moody stove. It adds so much character and as you wanted from you #SFFPit pitches, makes me think of Howl's Moving Castle. I can wait to read this one!
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DeleteTHANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! I love all this advice! My only hesitation in switching the order is the no. 1 reason for rejection on this MS is the fact that amnesia's a part of the story, so I definitely done want to lead with that. I'll have to think on it. :)
DeleteAnd cutting the unique setting details from my pitch has always backfired for me, but I'll sit on maybe trying to add something else.
So excited to be joining in!
ReplyDeleteName: Andrea Judy
Title: 12 Steps Down
Category: Mystery/LGBT Romance
Wordcount: 70,000
35 word:
Madigan knew staying sober would be hard, but he didn't plan on his mentor being murdered, and his ex-boyfriend showing up at his door. To save himself he must find the murderer.
Twitter:
Madigan knew staying sober would be hard, but he didn't plan on his mentor being murdered, & his ex-bf showing up at his door.
Hmmm. Is there a way to connect the ex boyfriend to the plot point about the murder? I know we don't have many words/characters, but the two elements feel disconnected. If the BF isn't related to the murder, I would still elaborate. Maybe something like, "Worse, the ex-boyfriend who cheated just showed up on his doorstep asking for help" (except with the actual plot and not the random one I made up, haha).
DeleteI think you handle the part about the murder very well though--good job. And as a queer writer writing queer characters, I understand why you'd want to include something about the boyfriend.
Hi... I agree with Steve, I think it would be nice to connect the two sentences and show how his boyfriend showing up complicates the plot. And why does he have to find the murderer to save himself? Is he a suspect? Is he being targeted?
DeleteGood luck!
I agree that the ex bf doesn't seem to be connected. Is it just that Madigan is an alcoholic and any stress sets him into a relapse? Maybe the bf showing up is going to cause the relapse and he needs his mentor, but oops, he's dead. Now who will help him! If that's the case, put the bf first and then the mentor. Then they are somewhat connected.
DeleteIf I'm totally guessing wrong, then I return to my original question of "what's the connection"?
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your thoughts! Good luck to all! :)
ReplyDeleteName: Katie O’Shea
Title: THE DREAM WARS
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Science Fiction
Wordcount: 88k
35 word blog pitch:
When Tristan infiltrates sixteen-year-old Crissa’s dreams to force her to kill, she expects to fight for her life—not to fall in love. But he’s her nation’s enemy, and the cost of treason is death.
Twitter pitch:
#YA INCEPTION When Crissa falls for an enemy who can infiltrate her dreams, she must kill him to keep control of her mind #PitchMAS
Great pitch! I think you could take out the sixteen year old (since it is a YA) and maybe add in who she's supposed to kill or more about the world?
DeleteGreat twitter pitch.
These are both clear, tense, and interesting, and I'm hesitant to suggest you change anything at all to be honest.
DeleteI'm pretty sure I've seen your Twitter pitch around!
Hi Katie, both your pitches are very clear, I completely get the stakes and tension in them. Love your pitches. Just a small suggestion, you can remove the word sixteen-year-old. When you pitch it as YA we get a sense of the age.
DeleteThank-you to everyone for their generosity! I have 3 Twitter pitches in need of help :)
ReplyDeleteName: Lydia Lukidis
Title: Izzie and the Secret W.A.W.A Club
Category: Chapter book
Wordcount: 11,000
Twitter pitch:
When her grandma dies, 9yo Izzie feels lost. But following clues Grams left behind brings her on the most exciting adventure! #PitchMAS #CB
Title: Help! I'm Sandwiched Between two Sisters (For Real)
Category: Picture book
Wordcount: 850
Twitter pitch:
Amadi is stuck between a milk-spewing baby & a bossy-pants-know-it-all older sister. Ugh- it’s not easy being the middle child! #PitchMAS #PB
Title: The Little Drop
Category: Picture book
Wordcount: 800
Twitter pitch:
Philomena, a little drop of water, digs deep into a reserve of courage she never knew she had and rescues a beached whale. #PitchMAS #PB
I love your pitch for #2! So much voice in 140 characters.
DeleteFor #1, I feel like we need a bit more of a hint as to what the clues are for.
Adorable concept in #3. (:
Hi Lydia,
DeleteAll three of your concepts are strong, but I think you could tighten the pitches to convey more information. Here's the first one: Izzie feels lost after Grandma's death, but following Gram's clues takes her on an exciting adventure to ? #PitchMAS #CB
In #2, Can you tell us what strategy Amadi uses to survive being in the middle? Stuck between milk-spewing baby & bossy-pants-know-it-all sister, Amadi relies on her (wit, intelligence, etc) to survive in the Middle.
#3 could also be tightened: Philomena, a little drop of water, finds an unknown reserve of courage to rescue a beached whale.
You didn't ask us to pick a fav, but if you can only do one, I'd go with #3 - to me it sounds like the most unique, the most well developed and also the shortest word count, which can be very important.
Hi Lydia, for the chapter book Izzie and the secret W.A.W.A club when you say most exciting adventure it comes across as vague, you could be a little more specific. Tantalize the reader with what exciting things happen.
DeleteThe Twitter pitch for Help! I'm Sandwiched Between two Sisters is super cute. The voice comes across really well.
And I made an immediate connection with the Twitter pitch for The Little Drop when you used the word "reserve of courage." Good luck!
Hello All! Thanks in advance for any help--I'll be back and forth throughout the day to return the favour. (:
ReplyDeleteName: Steve Westenra
Title: THE COINS OF MAMMON
Category: Adult
Genre: Epic Fantasy
Wordcount: 164k
35 word blog pitch:
The queen blinded Uta when they took the prince to burn. Uta's masters shunned her suffering. A masked rebel preaches revenge and rebellion, but the price is Uta's noble friend, the only one she has.
Twitter pitch:
A Faustian bargain will save a fantasy-Carthage from destruction. The trade? Ashtaroth's sanity, soul, and siblings. #FA #A #LGBT #PitchMAS
Blogspot hates my wordpress account, so I'm no commenting under this account, but it's still me! (:
DeleteSorry I don't get who Uta is. Was she one of the people who took the Prince to burn, or was she blinded "in a separate incident" (astheysay)?
DeleteMaybe move that the prince is her only friend in the first sentence where he's taken to burn so the stakes are higher more immediately.
DeleteThanks in advance for all help!
ReplyDelete35 Word pitches:
Unceremoniously booted from her first lady position, Lizzie plots revenge. Will her secret attempts to overthrow the club she founded catapult her to greatness or land her in trouble with her friends and school?
Lizzie fights through deception and depression while attempting to overthrow the elite culture club that demoted her. Will she succeed or fade into anonymity once more?
Once a first lady, now a nobody Lizzie draws on the strength of historical forebears and her family to overthrow the club that demoted her. Will she rise to greatness or tumble into obscurity?
Twitter:
Battling clinical depression and bf deceit, Lizzie draws inspiration from First Ladies to stage a coup against her enemies #pitchmas #ya
Am. Hist-obsessed Liz plots to dismantle an elitist society she helped found while battling depression #pitchmas #YA
I think the first 35 word pitch and the final twitter pitch give the best sense of your characters' voice and the setting/feel of the novel.
DeleteOne detail--"Hist" shouldn't be capitalized.
Thanks! Just realized I didn't include this part:
DeleteName: Erinn Salge
Title: THE BEST IMITATION OF MYSELF
Category: YA
Genre: Contemporary
Wordcount: 66k
Hi... I like the 2nd one best. It wasn't clear to me what the First Ladies are... at first I thought she was actually a first lady so unless you need to call that out by name, I'd just refer to it as the elitist society or culture club or something more vague. I'm also not crazy about the rhetorical questions. Some people say never use them, some people say they're okay. I think if you can rework to avoid it might be stronger. Best of luck!
DeleteThanks for the advice on rhetoricals! Thinking of going with this:
DeleteUnceremoniously booted from her elite club’s first lady position, Lizzie plots revenge. Her secret attempts to stage a coup might win her greater glory--or garner her some powerful enemies.
Love the title! Agree with Dylann's comment. In 2nd pitch, something like this for last line might work: Fading into anonymity once more might break her.
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHaunted and hunted, a timid CEO must defend her sanity and solve a mystery before her terrifying dreams become fatal reality. #Pitchmas #NA #S
ReplyDeleteI would love some input. Thanks!
Don't have much constructive but I wanted to say it looks great! Haunted and hunted are especially effective
DeleteName: Chrystal Carver
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE LORE KEEPER
Category: Middle Grade
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Wordcount: 47k
35 word blog pitch:
She doesn’t believe in Irish myths until she’s asked to lead her half-fairy cousin and two leprechauns through a challenging landscape of deadly creatures and find the stolen jewel before Ran’s freed to annihilate all.
Twitter pitch:
13yo leads her ½ fairy cousin & 2 Leprechauns past self-centered pixies, questing beasts, and sarcastic ghosts to return the stolen jewel that saves all #PitchMAS #MG
Only that I don't know who Ran is. Also there might be a stronger word than "challenging" for the landscape: perhaps a hyphenated one like 'trap-infested'...uh but better than that...
DeleteI think starting with the character name instead of "She" immerses you more fully.
DeleteThank you! I'll keep refining. This is my first 35 word pitch :-) So excited to participate.
DeleteGood concept!
DeleteThe specific details you have in the Twitter pitch "self-centered pixies, questing beasts, sarcastic ghosts" are much more interesting than "deadly creatures"
How will replacing the stolen jewel save them? This may be too complicated to include, but could something along the lines of "return the stolen jewel to keep killer monster Ran imprisoned" work? I'm probably off on the specifics, but if you can give us some idea of what will happen if she doesn't succeed, those are the stakes :-)
Name: Christian Smith
ReplyDeleteTitle: I Am Unbroken
Category: YA
Genre: Paranormal
Word count: 100k
When a dark spirit seeks to break the curse that bounds him, sixteen year-old Gavin
becomes entangled in a dangerous war between angels and demons. Will the curse be
broken? Or will it break Gavin?
Twitter Pitch:
DeleteThe dark spirit Cain seeks revenge. Gavin is the only thing keeping that from happening. Angels, evil spirits, and teen drama. #pitchmas #YA
I would love any input at all! THANKS in advance!!!!!!
Delete"binds" not "bounds" and I would change up the last two sentences so they don't end in questions:
Delete"Gavin needs to break the curse before it breaks him."
Also, if you remove his age you have room to add 3 more words to show us more about the curse!
"When a dark spirit seeks to break the (3 words to describe) curse that binds him, Gavin becomes entangled in a dangerous war between angels and demons. Gavin must break the curse before it breaks him."
Name: BK Rivers
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE PHOENIX
Category: YA
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Wordcount: 76k
35 word blog pitch:
Ivy's not quite human. Dane's a Phoenix who rises from his own ashes. Wanted by two radical Phoenix groups, Ivy must embrace what lies within to save herself and those she loves.
Twitter pitch:
Ivy's not quite human. Dane's a Phoenix who rises from ashes. She must embrace what lies within to save the herself & loved ones. #PitchMAS
Only that you've got an extra "the" in your twit-pitch! But you spotted that anyway...
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ReplyDeleteName: Jelsa Mepsey
ReplyDeleteTitle: SECOND CHANCE
Category: Young adult
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word count: ~55K
35 word pitch:
One school shooting. Two suicidal people: the shooter’s target and the shooter’s sister. One accidental meeting on top of an abandoned skyscraper. Connected by countless intertwined memories, they are each other’s only hope.
I might make it clearer that they are each other's hope romantically because I don't get the genre from the pitch. Sounds interesting though!
DeleteHi...
DeleteI get what you're trying to do with the number thing but I think after the "Two suicidal people" it kind of falls off... maybe try reworking it without the one's and two? And did the shooter's target not get hit? Why are they each other's only hope? Obviously I don't know your story, but maybe something along the lines of...
When a school shooting survivor and the shooter's sister accidentally meet, their intertwined memories forge an unbreakable connection. To move past the tragedy they must... what?
I don't know if that was helpful, but I'll be sending you good luck vibes!
Name: Gayleen Rabakukk
ReplyDeleteTitle: PHOEBE FOGG AND THE CHRONOS APPARATUS
Category: Middle Grade
Genre: Steampunk/Historical Science Fiction
Word Count: 35K
35 word pitch:
Phoebe hopes Ben Franklin’s time-freezing device can get her on her father’s next expedition, but escaping the grief and guilt from her mother’s death may prove more difficult than tampering with the laws of physics.
Twitter pitch:
Adventurer & Inventress Phoebe Fogg will do anything to stay with her father, even freeze time to stow away on his airship #PitchMAS #MG #SP
Definitely intrigued! Wondering if Ben Franklin is her father? Also curious what kind of expedition we're talking about ("airship" in twitter pitch helps!) Could maybe cut "next" and "the" (before grief). Good luck!
DeleteName: Candida Spillard
ReplyDeleteTitle: HELL TO PAY
Category: Adult
Genre: Satirical Urban Fantasy
WordCount 53k
35 word pitch:
Guardian Angels? They’re for softies! Our lifelong eco-campaigner from Yorkshire comes face-to-face with her ill-tempered Lancastrian Guardian Devil, then accidentally stakes her conscience on foiling his plan to make humanity self-destruct! Can she stop him?
Twitter Pitch:
# PitchMAS Lifelong eco activist finds she has a Guardian Devil! With a hot temper. And a plan she must foil... HELL TO PAY #A #UF #Satire
First off- love the Yorks/Lancs conflict.
DeleteYou could gain yourself a few extra words by taking out "our" and life-long eg. Yorkshire eco-campaigner comes face-to-face...
You could throw in a War of the Roses ref for those who might not understand the ongoing banter between those two fine counties...
I like the pace of your pitch, it's all up in your face and fun.
Ooh, thanks very much!
Delete"Lifelong" is my effort to convey that she's older than yr average heroine (she's 54) and the "our" is just what ppl say round here. But if I lose 3 words I can get "It's Roses Wars!" in as an extra sentence...ooh will give it a go!
TAKE 2:
DeleteGuardian Angels? They’re soft! Our lifelong eco-campaigner from Yorkshire comes face-to-face with her ill-tempered Lancastrian Guardian Devil, then accidentally stakes her conscience on foiling his plan to make humanity self-destruct! Roses’ Wars! Can she prevail?
Name: Deanna Fugett
ReplyDeleteTitle: Ending Fear
Category: YA
Genre: Dystopian
Word Count: 87K
Twitter Pitch:
Happy's taken by Uppers to serve in the temple harem. Fear must brave the Gliding Lands to rescue her before innocence is stolen.
Whose innocence? Stolen by who? What happens if it's gone?
DeleteI think you're missing the stakes part. What happens if Fear fails?
Bit confused here. Could explain who is Fear and what is her connection to Happy? Just a word or two will make a difference to the pitch.
DeleteName: Julianne Winter
ReplyDeleteTitle: ADELINE AND THE MYSTIC BERRIES
Category: MG
Genre: Fantasy
Word count: 53,000
35 word blog pitch:
When Adeline finds Torin, the last magical tree, with the power to bring color back to her colorless world, none of her creative aspirations will matter if his identity and secrets are revealed to society.
Twitter pitch:
Adeline finds Torin, the last magic tree, with the power to bring color back. Her dreams won’t matter if his identity is revealed #PitchMas
In the twitter pitch, I feel like these two sentences are disconnected and the second one is vague. It does set up a if this happens then this will happen, but I don't get why. I was invested in the first sentence, but then then the second sentence came along and it left me scratching my head (and not in a good way). Reading the 35-word pitch lets me know where you were going with it, but I feel it needs some work. Her creativity and dreams are tied into his identity being kept a secret. Maybe "As long as his identity is kept secret, blank would happen" could work? It doesn't have to be exactly that. A little rewording could make all the difference! This sounds interesting!
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ReplyDeleteHi. Excited to be here. Looking forward to your feedback. Will comment on your pitches soon.
ReplyDeleteName: Rachna Chhabria
Title: CHRONICLES OF A COMPULSIVE NINCOMPOOP
Category: Middle Grade
Genre: Fantasy
Wordcount: 54k
35 word blog pitch (it’s the first time I am writing a 35 word pitch)
Rahul makes a deal with five spirits. Freedom for them. Hero status for him, else reform school. But first he must learn to control their magic by not turning people into grasshoppers, rats and lizards.
Twitter pitch
Doodle magic makes Rahul villain of middle school..to become a hero he must let it go. Can he manage without the perks of magic?
Twitter Pitch
Rahul must break an ancient curse with unreliable doodle magic and free five trapped spirits without causing mayhem in middle school.
Hi! I’m posting three pitches & looking for advice on which works best & why/why not. Thx in advance for your help! Nat
ReplyDeleteName: Nat Mumpower
Title: Martin’s Wings
Category: New Adult
Genre: Romance, Coming of Age
Wordcount: 104k
FIRST
35 word blog pitch:
Runaway pilot ditches fiancé at altar, then tries to win her back. He embraces one-night stands, then abstains from sex. Sassy girl flirts with him but her fleet feet flee him. Runaway becomes the pursuer.
Twitter pitch:
He ditches fiancé then re-woos her; embraces casual sex then eschews it. Sassy gal flirts then flees. Runaway now pursuer. #NA #R #PitchMAS
SECOND
35 word blog pitch:
His ex-fiance’s dating his high school football rival. His kooky family assail him with sex tips. His strawberry rhubarb pie is MIA. Can a kooky gal in fairy costume mend this runaway groom’s holidays?
Twitter pitch:
His ex-fiancé’s dating ex-pal. His nutty family bug him w/sex tips. His pie is MIA. Can kooky gal mend Martin’s holidays? #NA #R #PitchMAS
THIRD
35 word blog pitch:
Hail on Martin’s wedding spells disaster or luck, but this pilot’s not sticking around to find out which. Can runaway slow for flirty fairy and new love? If only she’ll give him a NY minute…
Twitter pitch:
Hail on his wedding is blessing or bomb, but he’s not staying to find out which. Can a runaway find new love w/flirty gal? #NA #R #PitchMAS
Personally I lean towards the third set because it doesn't seem so crunched together to fit everything in. I know in general people advise against the cliche ending with a question but I'm much more curious to find the answer to the question then read the book summarized in the first set of pitches.
DeleteThe 35 word pitch does sound awkward to me in that an 'a' or 'this' is missing after 'Can'. Maybe you could remedy it by getting rid of 'but' in the first sentence and inserting a semi-colon instead. So it would read, "Hail on Martin's wedding spells disaster or luck; this pilot's not sticking around to find out which." Then you have an extra word to stick 'this' after 'can' in the second.
Hope this helps a little :)
Name: Joanne Yordanou
ReplyDeleteTitle: Love & Terror
Category: Adult
Genre: Suspense
Word count: 71100
35 words: Toronto gallery owner meets Afghani artist. A month later, Kate and Salim’s love blossoms, but when CSIS agent targets Salim in a terrorist investigation, Kate’s trust wavers. Can Kate and Salim’s relationship survive the investigation?
Twitter: Art dealer Kate falls for Afghani artist Salim. CSIS investigation casts doubt. Someone’s the terrorist – who? #Pitchmas #A #S
Hi Joanne!
DeleteThe pitch sounds more like romance than the state genre of a thriller. The first two lines are great, but the third line needs to ramp up the tension that will be held within the story. I might also suggest turning CSIS into something more solid of a description beyond its acroynym. Is CSIS a security agency like the NSA, the FBI, or Interpol? Clarity may be crucial here.
The tweet needs some work. The first line is great. The second one is murky and a bit choppy. Perhaps: "When art dealer Kate falls for artist Salim, a terrorist investigation throws their love into doubt. The truth will be revealed."
Just some ideas.
Name: Abigail Fine
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Last First Daughter
Category: YA
Genre: Adventure/Near-future
Word count: 98K
35 word blog pitch:
Lindy is exiled First Daughter in disguise. Only Henry knows the truth, but Jack needs her to impersonate herself to lead a movement against usurping terrorists. Inspired by Shakespeare’s most intelligent and complex female, Rosalind.
Twitter Pitch:
Exiled First Daughter in disguise, now she’s asked to pretend to be herself to lead rebels. Near-future #YA w slow-burn romance #PitchMas
I would just say inspired by Shakespeare/As You Like It because including Rosalind puts four character names in one pitch and it gets confusing.
DeleteGreat point, thanks! You inspired a revision of blog pitch:
DeleteLindy is exiled First Daughter in disguise. Only Henry knows the truth, but new friends need her to impersonate herself to lead a movement against usurping terrorists. A reimagining of Shakespeare’s AS YOU LIKE IT.
Hi everyone, picture book writer here. Thanks in advance for any feedback!
ReplyDeleteName: Lisa Katzenberger
Title: T-REX TROUBLES
Category: Picture Book
Wordcount: 500
Twitter:
#PitchMas #PB Starting school, TRex Suzy realizes her tiny arms make most tasks impossible, so she searches for creative ways to keep up.
35 word:
Suzy the T-Rex is excited about her first day of school, until she realizes her tiny arms make most tasks impossible. Now she must find a way to keep up with the other kids.
Hi Lisa, my suggestion for you would be to give us atleast one example of which task TRex Suzy's tiny arms make it impossible for her to do. "Most tasks," comes across as vague. Please rephrase a few words in the 35 word pitch.
DeleteName: A.E. Hall
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE BOUND MAN
Category: A
Genre: Fantasy
Word count: 77,000
35 words: Lan Yan won the war, now the Queen must choose a husband. The nameless slave who becomes Consort must discover why he was chosen and how to be useful to his warrior bride.
Twitter: Brought to the court in chains, a nameless slave is chosen to marry the Queen. Now he must discover why while navigating the political intrigue of court. #Pitchmas #A #FA
I am not a Fantasy reader, but I LOVE THIS PITCH! I'd read this book! GREAT JOB!
DeleteMaybe Queen Lan Yan won the war and now she must choose a husband so you know it's the same person. Sounds awesome!
DeleteI really like the twitter pitch one. It's great!
DeleteSomething about the 35 word pitch is off though. I think it's the arrangement of the info.
"Queen Lan Yan won the war: now she must choose a husband..." is perhaps a bit clearer?
DeleteHi, I love the 35 word pitch. Just reading that, makes me want to read the book.
DeleteAnd the Twitter pitch is equally, no, I think I should say much, much more intriguing. You have captured all the elements well: stakes, character and motivation.
Name: G.L. Morgan
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Cauldron Bearer
Category: Adult
Genre: Historical/Retelling
Word Count: 118k
35-Word Blog Pitch:
Gwydion became a bard because he was too small to fight, but in a war with the otherworld, his wisdom’s a coveted weapon. Mists of Avalon meets Hild in this retelling of a Welsh myth.
or
Gwydion’s too small to fight, but his memory makes him an ideal bard—and a coveted weapon in the war with the otherworld. Mists of Avalon meets Hild in this retelling of a Welsh myth.
Twitter Pitches:
Gwydion became a bard so he wouldn’t have to fight, but in a war with the otherworld his wisdom is a coveted weapon #pitchmas
The Mists of Avalon+Hild. The Cauldron Bearer is a retelling of the Welsh folk story “The Spoils of Annwfyn” set in 4th-C Britain #pitchmas
Sorry if there are any formatting issues in the above; I'm completely blind, and my screen reader doesn't indicate when formatting changes occur, but I've done my best to anticipate and correct any issues. Thanks!
I would go with the second blog pitch. The wording seems to work much better. As for the twitter pitches, I'm not getting anything from the second one other than comparisons to other works that some agents, etc might not know about. I want to know more about your character and what they have to win/lose here. In the first one I do see that. You've set up the world and the some stakes of your character. You don't have to include everything in your pitches. Just give me something to latch onto and want more of!
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ReplyDeleteName: Dill Werner
ReplyDeleteTitle: STATUS: POSITIVE
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Light Sci-Fi, Dystopian
Wordcount: 79k
35 word blog pitch:
17-year-old Blue lives on a continent where homosexuality is punished by lifelong segregation. When the guards of her LGBT compound turn violent, she will fight to protect her dads and her people from harm.
Twitter pitch:
(I'm having problems with these two)
In Blue’s LGBT Compound, people disappear, food is raided, & guards are attacking. When she fights back, guards stand down. Y? #YA #PitchMAS
Blue finds she’s heir to a continent where homosexuality is punished by lifelong segregation. Problem? Her parents are 2 men #YA #PitchMAS
Maybe change the twitter pitch to
DeletePeople are disappearing from Blue's segregated LGBT compound. Guards are attacking. What will happen when she decides to fight back?
Maybe change the twitter pitch to
DeletePeople are disappearing from Blue's segregated LGBT compound. Guards are attacking. What will happen when she decides to fight back?
Name: Julie Laughter Dorsey
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE PEACEMAKER’S WIFE
Category: Adult
Genre: Historical Fiction
Wordcount: 70k
35 word blog pitch:
Civil-War era midwife Polly struggles to raise a large family after she marries Blue Ridge’s Peacemaker, but she falls for Sam, a man with a dangerous secret. Will his love destroy her and her family?
Twitter pitch:
Civil-War era midwife Polly struggles to raise a family after she marries Blue Ridge’s Peacemaker, but she falls for a dangerous man. #PitchMAS
Name: Jay Requard
ReplyDeleteTitle: Jishnu
Category: Adult
Genre: Epic Fantasy
Wordcount: 111,000
35 word blog pitch:
Knowing his karma will damn him, the sellsword Jishnu must rally the last free kingdoms of Talav against the dark god Dhir and his pearl dragons at the behest of a deva he despises.
Twitter pitch:
Cursed by karma, Jishnu must bring together the broken kingdoms of his homeland against the pearl dragons and their god Dhir! #PitchMAS
or
Fleeing destiny, Jishnu the sellsword will be forced to rally the last free kingdoms against the god Dhir and his pearl dragons. #PitchMAS
I know this can be difficult with fantasy, but in your 35-word pitch there are a few terms that aren't readily discernible to the audience. It's an interesting premise, I'm just wondering if there is any possible way to switch out some of the terms. Your first Twitter pitch does a good job of this. :)
DeleteThanks Maxym!
DeleteYeah, this is something that has been hounding me since I started pitching this book. Looks like I have work to do.
Name: Anya Rousselle
ReplyDeleteTitle: Across Jaspen Bay
Genre: low fantasy
Category: YA
Word count: 124,000
35 word pitch:
They have grown up secluded from the world. They know nothing of fear. But when their youngest sister goes missing and their only ally is the suspect, life gets real for three royal siblings.
Option 2:
The youngest of four, Vivie longs for the excitement her siblings have. When she's kidnapped during a wicked storm, she gets the adventure of a lifetime. Can she make it out alive to tell the tale?
Option 3:
The royal children set out with one goal: find their missing sister. But when they uncover a plot from their closest ally that threatens their country, it's more than Vivie they have to save.
I really like option 3. It has higher stakes and more urgency.
DeleteI agree - I prefer 3.
DeleteName: Patricia
ReplyDeleteTitle: Call Me Maddy
Category: Adult/Contemporary
Genre: Women's Fiction
Word Count: 67,000
35-word pitch:
If you live in a small town, have a miscarriage and bury the baby in the backyard, no one will pay attention if, days later, you keep a child you found in a dumpster.
WOW! Stellar!
DeleteThere's quite a few commas in here which had me reading it twice. Can you break it down a bit to make it easier to read?
DeleteEg. When you live in a small town no one notices when you miscarry and bury the baby in the yard. Nor when, days later, you find a baby in a dumpster and keep it.
I'm also not sure what the stakes are if no one is paying attention? Can you work a bit more conflict it?
Sounds like an interesting read though!
This is good, very intriguing.
DeleteBut... Someone finds out, no? Otherwise there is not conflict and then no stakes. So... What goes wrong with her plan?
Thank you, Jamie and Clare and Anya. I agree about too many commas. I'd thought of that myself. But as far as working in a bit more conflict? I don't know how when I only have 35 words.....
DeleteName: Evelyn Lindell Lauterbach
ReplyDeleteTitle: Rerouting Mia Crane
Genre: Romance
Category: New Adult
Word Count: 69,000
35 word pitch:
When 21-year-old Mia falls for a man with as many secrets as her, she has nine days to break his heart before he breaks hers. But the only thing stronger than their secrets is their chemistry.
I love this! Very catchy!
DeleteName: Dylann Crush
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Write Type of Wrong
Genre: Romance
Category: Adult
Word Count: 78,000
35 word pitch:
Dad's a televangelist and Mom writes Christian inspirationals. When grad student Faith is exposed as an erotic author, she might lose her family and the heart of the cocky bartender/MBA student she’s using for research.
This sounds awesome!
DeleteThis. I would read this in a heartbeat!
DeleteNow I'd really like to find out how THIS pans out. I like it.
DeleteName: Dylann Crush
ReplyDeleteTitle: Pocket Full of Stars
Genre: Romance
Category: Adult
Word Count: 80,000
35 word pitch:
Aspiring chef Cassie needs her small-town ex's aid to finance her big-city future. Contractor Robbie has to decide whether to risk his business and his heart before he hammers in the last nail.
Is Robbie the small-town ex?
DeleteIf Robbie is the love interest, I think it needs to be reworded to communicate that so it connects them together.
DeleteThanks! Yes, Robbie is the ex. Trying to fit it all in is maddening!!! Don't y'all think 40 words or even 50 would be easier? :)
DeleteName: David
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Girl In The Tree
Category: Upper Middle Grade
Genre: Paranormal Mystery
Word Count: 42K
There’s something sinister within Maria’s family Christmas tree, and a trapped soul is calling to her for help. She must find the courage to discover the dark history behind the tree and solve a murder.
Sounds very interesting. It wasn't clear to me from the first line that the soul was within the tree. What are her stakes? If she doesn't discover the history? And is the murder from long ago? Great start and interesting premise... good luck!
DeleteName: Kelly Barina
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Pendragon's Son
Genre: Fantasy
Category: Adult
Word Count: 105,000
War threatens the kingdom. The prince's own brother is leading the assault against their father. Can the prince save them both?
Or:
When a prince sets out to rescue his broken family from a grim prophecy, he doesn't anticipate that they may not want saving.
Name: Dooley
ReplyDeleteTitle: NOTORIOUS
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Suspense
Wordcount: 83k
35 word blog pitch:
In gold-rush San Francisco, Vespertine bends the rules to avoid a domestic life, but when she agrees to defend the innocence of a fallen woman, she'll have to outsmart a mob bent on rough justice
Twitter pitch:
In gold rush SF, a young woman trying avoid professional domesticity has 4 days to solve a murder before they hang an innocent woman.
#PitchMAS
Looks great! Since it's YA maybe indicate that Vespertine is a teen in some way or include #YA in the tweet
DeleteName: M.E. Bond
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE CAUSE OF THESE DISTURBANCES
Category: adult
Genre: mystery
Word count: 95,000
35-word pitch
When an introverted history major meets a spunky biology student who insists that he help her decipher the graffiti codes she's found around campus, they uncover a Neo-Luddite plot to assassinate the university president.
Twitter pitches
Introverted history major is dragged into investigating graffiti codes that lead to a Neo-Luddite assassination plot. #pitchmas #NA #M
Introverted history major and spunky biology student solve graffiti codes to stop assassination of university president. #pitchmas #A #M
Ian must put aside academic ambitions to stop a Neo-Luddite from assassinating university president and taking over campus. #pitchmas #A #M
i get that assassination is the problem. but can you put in more urgency into the stakes? something about solving it before the university president is assassinated? to add more tension :)
DeleteName: Wendy Oldenbrook
ReplyDeleteTitle: Wit's End
Category: Adult
Genre: Women's Fiction
Wordcount: 73,000
(trying to decide between 3 pitches...)
1. A young waitress is stabbed in a comedy club, stirring the heart of a sexy Southern comedian. But as Claire heals and re-discovers her strength, insanity steals her children. Hurry Claire, it’s your mother.
or
2. Mental illness twists through Claire’s family. Getting stabbed at work ignites an affair with a sexy Southern comedian, and provokes her insane mother to kidnap her daughters. Claire must find them before she completely unravels.
or
3. Getting stabbed at work and inheriting her mother’s mental illness were not Claire’s choice. Falling in love with Sam, rescuing her daughters and shooting her mother were. WITS END layers romance, insanity and danger.
Thank you for your help --- I appreciate it!
I was torn between numbers 2 and 3. I liked #3 because of the way you couched "shooting her mother" as a "choice". I found that intriguing.
DeleteName: Katie
ReplyDeleteTitle: QUEST FOR A POPSTAR
Category: New Adult
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Wordcount: 80k
35 word blog pitch:
Hailey didn't expect to get into Quest for a PopStar. When she does, she's faced with two dilemmas: She can't fall for the Murphy brothers because she has a boyfriend, and the competition is rigged.
Twitter pitch:
When Hailey gets into Quest for a Popstar, she has 2 dilemmas: the temptation of the Murphy brothers, and the comp is rigged #PitchMAS
Hm, the ending sounds a little awkward. Maybe try this instead?
DeleteWhen Hailey gets into Quest for a Popstar, she only knows two things for sure: she can't let herself fall for the Murphy brothers and the competition is rigged.
Name: Leah Heilman Schanke
ReplyDeleteTitle: ROBERT SMALLS: ESCAPE TO FREEDOM
Category: Picture Books
Genre: Biography
Word Count: 905
35-word Pitch:
In 1862 Robert wants more than anything to keep his enslaved family together but can’t buy their freedom because his owner keeps his pay. He must find a way to freedom before he loses them.
Is it rigged in her favour or against? Because either could bring up different conflicts for her.
ReplyDeleteName: Nicole Lynn Hoefs
ReplyDeleteTitle: Syd-ply Misunderstood
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Wordcount: 59K
35 word blog pitch:
Sydney’s cheating father made her fear love, but she still falls for skateboarder Kyle. She has to learn to open up, or risk losing him. But if Kyle chooses another girl, she’ll be completely shattered.
Twitter pitch:
Sydney fears love because of her parents. If she doesn't open her heart to Kyle, pushing him away could still shatter her. #PitchMAS
Name: Maxym Martineau
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Wandering Banshee
Category: New Adult
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Wordcount: 85k
35-word blog pitch:
The Banshee Queen Islene is weaponizing infants’ tears—tears Cleona’s been supplying. But when Islene plans a mass genocide of Reapers, Cleona’s choice is dire: banishment from her kind or condemn her lover to death.
Name: Sheryl Stein
ReplyDeleteTitle: Stupid Girl
Category: Women's Fiction
Wordcount: 92K
35 word pitch:
THE UNDERWRITING + BRIDGET JONES. When Hollywood producers shakeup Barrie’s dot-com startup, can she trust colleague —and secret crush—Tucker to help her keep her career, sanity, and stock option payday before their company goes public?
Name: Katherine Bogle
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE ALDAR DOMINION
Category: New Adult
Genre: Science Fiction
Wordcount: 82k
35 word blog pitch:
In a future where aliens and clones are the norm, the few remaining humans are disappearing. When Selene's head injury brings back her forgotten past, the aliens who saved the world might be to blame.
Potential Twitter pitches:
#1: In a future where aliens & clones are the norm, the few natural born humans are suddenly disappearing. Selene might be next. #PitchMAS
#2: When a head injury brings back a past that Selene wasn't ready for, humans start disappearing & Selene might be to blame. #PitchMAS
#3: Selene's a international smuggler with a forgotten past. When the remaining humans start disappearing her past might be to blame #PitchMAS
Name: KAThoms
ReplyDeleteTitle: NEVER LOST
Category: Adult
Genre: Women's Fiction
Word Count: 88,000
35-word pitch
Obsessed when investigation unearths hidden truths of her past, Sarah is forced into the center of a feud between her boss and potential new love. She must stay alive long enough to protect her legacy.
Twitter pitch:
Sarah's career pivot drives an investigation into her secret legacy. Love, life, or career. She can't have it all. #pitchmas #WF
20 yrs later, she meets her dying father. He leaves her an ethical legacy to protect, if she can stay alive long enough. #pitchmas #WF
Name: rituset
ReplyDeleteTitle: CODED FOR MURDER
Category: Adult
Genre: Mystery
Word Count: 70K
35 word pitch:
The leaders of a tech startup are serially tortured, poisoned and bludgeoned, propelling scarred Inspector James into a three-day chase among Montréal’s cafés, hipsters, and geeks -- all while his own kind tries to kill him.
OR
The leaders of a tech startup are serially tortured, poisoned and bludgeoned to death, propelling scarred Chief Inspector Derek James into a three-day chase among Montréal’s cafés, hipsters, and geeks to stop a killer from striking again.
TWITTER:
Detective outs hot high-tech CEO as a closeted transsexual -- but is she also a murderer?
Please let me know which 35 word pitch is better, or if either is very good. Thank you in advance for your feedback.
I like your second pitch.
DeleteFirst is better.
ReplyDeleteThe fact he's trying to stop a killer is already implied, but his own kind trying to kill him raises eyebrows and questions (in a good way).
Name: Debra Johnson
ReplyDeleteTitle: NOT FULLY HUMAN
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Light Science Fiction
Word Count: 72,000
35 Word pitch:
Bio-engineering saved Mea’s life, got her labeled: Not Fully Human, made her a black market target, and sent a madman to her adopted home with deadly virus and a plan to remake the world.
Twitter pitch:
Bio-engineering saved Mea Gifford’s life, made her a target for the black market, & the focus of a madman’s plan to change the world.
Name: Leah Price
ReplyDeleteTitle: The Rockstar Chronicles
Category: Young Adult
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Wordcount: 65k
35 word blog pitch:
Five members. The New Kid, The Has Been, The Movie Star, The Musical Prodigy… & Lindy’s brother. Life on the road with a teen band isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Twitter Pitch:
Five members. The New Kid, The Has-Been, The Movie Star, The Musical Prodigy… & Lindy’s brother.
Twitter pitch:
5 members. The New Kid, The Has-Been, The Actor,The Musician & Lindy’s brother. Life w/the band isn't all it’s cracked up 2 be #Pitchmas #YA